I spent the last week in Cincinnati grading Spanish AP
tests. My week was spent hanging out with friends, exploring the city, endlessly
grading papers, and watching people cast figurative stones on the internet.
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| On an evening stroll in downtown Cincinnati |
I wasn’t on social media much this past week, but when I did
get on I saw the same video pop up again and again of a 12-year-old girl who
came out to her ward by reading some prepared remarks during testimony meeting.
A priesthood leader asked Savannah to sit down before she finished her
testimony. This video has been extremely polarizing. I’ve seen people casting
stones at the leader for not allowing Savannah to be her authentic, courageous self.
And I’ve seen people casting stones at Savannah and her parents for doing
something that they feel was inappropriate. The media reported on the story
largely painting the church in a bad light while Fair Mormon posted an article
highlighting everything Savannah did wrong.
I’m not at all interested in debating the rightness or
wrongness of what happened in that meeting here. The finger pointing, the
blaming, and the stone throwing are unproductive. Blaming is easy. Pulling
people down is easy. Finding fault is easy. Let’s be better than that. I wish
that instead of all the blame, that as a faith community we could discuss the
heart of the issue. Consider the following questions:
Why would a church member who experiences same-sex
attraction want to share that information with their ward family?
Can a ward benefit if a member comes out to them?
What is the appropriate way for a gay person to come out to
their ward?
How should ward members respond when members publicly
disclose feelings of same-sex attraction?
I’d like to share three stories about how I came out to three
different wards. I don’t offer these as examples or templates, but they can
illustrate how things can go right.
Elders Quorum
When I was 30 I posted my coming out post on my blog. A few
days later I was teaching Elders Quorum in my singles ward. When I began the
lesson I had no intention of telling my quorum that I was gay, but I felt
prompted to say something so I did. I awkwardly blurted out “I’m gay” towards the end
of the lesson without much build up. The unexpected way those words came out
must’ve been jarring for some people in the room. I shared a few stories, ended
the lesson and sat down. I remember feeling the comforting presence of the HoIy
Ghost as I bore my testimony at the end of the lesson and contemplated what had
just happened as I sat in my chair. I was recently talking to one of the
bishopric members who was present at that lesson. He said that what he
remembered most was watching me sit down. He said, “You looked lighter and more
relaxed. You looked so relieved. It was evident in your body language that you
felt a burden had been taken off your shoulders.” He is exactly right. That’s
how I felt. I had been lying to people and hiding an important part of my life
story from my quorum and it was such a relief to just be honest and not have to
hid anymore.
Spanish Branch
Not long after this lesson I turned 31 meaning that I
graduated from the singles ward without honors. I started attending a local
Spanish branch and retreated back into the closet. It was awful. Members of
the branch couldn’t understand why I was single and when they tried to set me
up with their cousins, nieces, and friends I would always say I was too busy
with school to date. I hated lying to them, but I didn’t feel comfortable
telling them the truth.
That June same-sex marriages became legal nationwide and
each LDS congregation was asked to spend the third hour of a meeting in July reviewing
some materials about marriage sent from church headquarters. I had been home
visiting my parents the first week in July and had had that lesson with my parents in their ward. The
next week I was back in Tucson and they had chosen that week for the marriage
lesson. I almost went home after Sacrament meeting because I didn’t feel like
having that lesson again, but I stayed anyway. As I walked into the Relief
Society room I said a fervent, silent prayer. I told Heavenly Father that I
wasn’t going to make any comments, but that if He wanted me to say anything He’d
have to make it very clear.
About halfway through the meeting the Branch President asked
if there were any comments and without even realizing it my hand shot up in the
air. I said, “This might be sharing too much information, but there are a lot
of gay members of the church who want to keep the commandments and stay active
and I’m one of them.” I then talked about the need to love everyone and how the
love and acceptance of family and friends had helped me to stay active. Earlier
in the meeting we had talked about “the gays” as if they were some group apart
from us Mormons, but after my comment the tone shifted. I wrote the following
in my journal: “The rest of the meeting was great. The overarching theme was
loving everyone as the Savior would. The Branch President mentioned through
tears that his daughter is a lesbian and has left the church. He pointed to me
and said that he loves me and he loves us all. It was very touching and I just
felt enveloped by love. These people who I barely know felt like my family.”
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| Tucson Temple open house |
I remember in that meeting we sang Families Can Be Together Forever. I didn’t always feel like I fit
in in the Spanish branch, but as we sang that song the Spirit spoke to my heart
and told me that they were my family. Two weeks ago I was volunteering as an
usher at the Tucson Temple open house and a number of people from my old branch
came through. They greeted me as enthusiastically as a person could be greeted and
I got handshakes and hugs from people I hadn’t seen in quite some time. They
know I’m gay and they are still my family.
Campbell Ward
Towards the end of 2015 I started attending an English-speaking
family ward. In January 2016 I was asked to give a talk about the purpose of
the church. Before the meeting I was speaking with the bishop who barely knew
me at the time. I asked him if I could mention that I was gay in my talk. He
said he didn’t see why that would be a problem. In the talk I shared how
difficult it has been at times to stay in the church as someone who experiences
same-sex attraction. I shared the story of Kevin and Allison’s sealing and how
that experience encouraged me to stay. I wrote the following about that talk in
my journal: “After the meeting about a dozen people thanked me for my courage
and commitment. I was grateful to be so well-received. After church Hyrum Allen
sent me an email. I’d never talked to him before, but he told me that he and
his wife will be there for me whether or not I stay in the church. He also
invited me over to dinner. I feel like that’s what Jesus would do. It feels so
good to be open with everyone.”
The year and a half since I came out to my whole ward have
been awesome. The Campbell Ward has become my spiritual home and the people
there have become my family. It feels incredibly freeing to be open and honest
with everyone. I don’t mention being gay all the time because I don’t want that
to be my thing. There are other important parts of me (like my penchant for dad
jokes and puns). I do, however, often mention being gay in lessons or when I
bear my testimony if it’s relevant to my spiritual journey, which it often is. And
I have felt no pushback from ward members for being so open, only love and
gratitude.
Looking Forward
In Mosiah 18 the prophet Alma explains that when we are
baptized we covenant to bear one another’s burdens. Keeping this covenant, I
feel, is essential if we want to become like the Savior. But how can we bear one another’s burdens if we don’t know what they are? Verses 21 and 22 explain,
“And he commanded them that there should be no contention one with another, but
that they should look forward with one eye, having one faith and one
baptism, having their hearts knit together in unity and in love one
towards another. And thus he commanded them to preach. And thus they became the children
of God.”
I think these verses are just beautiful and they speak to
the kind of community that I want to help build. A community where our hearts
are knit together and where we can become something divine together. I have
sensed a lot of anger related to this video of Savannah’s testimony and I
validate those feelings. I also felt angry reading comments where people with
different viewpoints were quite unkind to each other. We can use this anger to
tear others down or we can channel it into productive energy to build something
better. And so I invite you once again to consider these questions:
Why would a church member who experiences same-sex
attraction want to share that information with their ward family?
Can a ward benefit if a member comes out to them?
What is the appropriate way for a gay person to come out to
their ward?
How should ward members respond when members publicly
disclose feelings of same-sex attraction?
I am 100% in favor of gay members being open with their
wards if they want to be. I know from personal experience how healing it can
be. I have experienced an increased measure of love, acceptance, and wholeness
as I have been honest with the people in my congregations. I wish that
everyone could experience those same feelings. So let's talk about how we can make that happen.