tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7565469030539917833.post1249454745046305182..comments2024-02-17T06:39:55.875-08:00Comments on Ben There, Done That: Goldilocks and the Gay Mormon ParadoxBenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04151204932376899998noreply@blogger.comBlogger30125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7565469030539917833.post-79792022096529518772018-07-26T03:24:23.841-07:002018-07-26T03:24:23.841-07:00Ben, thank you so, so much for sharing. Your whole...Ben, thank you so, so much for sharing. Your whole blog reminds me of Doctrine and Covenants 84:106, "And if any man among you be strong in the Spirit, let him take with him him that is weak, that he may be edified in all meekness, that he may become strong also."<br /><br />I feel pretty good about the way I live the gospel and relatively confident in my strength that I find from that (although there is always always room for improvement), but this is one area I feel I am a little weaker in.<br /><br />I am bisexual, and I have struggled to find role models of my fellow LGBT brothers and sisters that are active in the church. I am glad I found you. I love the gospel with all my heart. I couldn't bear to leave it or not live it. I wouldn't feel whole. I do not stay out of fear, but of my genuine desire and love for serving in the church and staying close to my incredibly generous Heavenly Father.<br /><br />It is really hard sometimes, but I'm glad to be making that journey, even if I have to bushwhack a little at times. Gratefully, there are people like you that have paved harder trails and pointed them out to people like me that will be eternally grateful for this priceless gift you have given us.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7565469030539917833.post-34868712415661072772017-07-06T20:54:39.869-07:002017-07-06T20:54:39.869-07:00I found your blog via a friend’s FB post and I am ...I found your blog via a friend’s FB post and I am so glad that I did! For the past hour (or more..), I have been reading your posts and have felt the presence of the Holy Ghost strongly as I read. Thank you for sharing your journey and your testimony! My journey is different from yours but united in our desire to follow the Savior. It gratifies me deeply to know that our different paths but singular goal allow us to serve more people in a variety of ways. What a great designer our Heavenly Father is! As you mention in your post, I am one of those who doesn’t feel I can give as freely of my time and resources to as many people as I wish I could. It brings me peace to know that there are others’ whose circumstances allow them to serve in a way I cannot. It also reminds me to find greater joy in what I can do, instead of focusing on what I lack. <br />Another moment of spiritual clarity I gained from reading your posts reminded me of D&C 18:15-16 “And if it so be that you should labor all your days in crying repentance unto this people, and bring, save it be one soul unto me, how great shall be your joy with him in the kingdom of my Father! And now, if your joy will be great with one soul that you have brought unto me into the kingdom of my Father, how great will be your joy if you should bring many souls unto me!” <br />I’ve often thought of these verses as merely related to traditional missionary work and baptism. But as I read your posts and felt my heart and mind swell with the Spirit, I realized that our souls are in need of saving every day. So thank you for bringing my soul to Him, for strengthening my testimony in these hours, for filling my cup with your words. I needed it. I hope you receive great joy as you continue to share your experience. <br />KTnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7565469030539917833.post-26985820569146083962017-06-28T09:55:04.152-07:002017-06-28T09:55:04.152-07:00Thanks Ben. Your insight helps me understand so m...Thanks Ben. Your insight helps me understand so much. You are such a blessing to many people.<br />Peggyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15423792440313865453noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7565469030539917833.post-3282130902462660982017-06-27T09:08:50.028-07:002017-06-27T09:08:50.028-07:00I have two aunts who never married and my parents ...I have two aunts who never married and my parents would always say that they were too picky or had too high of a standard for their could-be future husbands. But even as a kid I never really felt that was true, or even nice of my parents to say. My parents are good people, but I think they would say things like that so that I would choose to get married. <br /><br />My aunts are the most faithful and service-oriented women I know and they are happy. And they are able to contribute to their ward and community in ways a married couple or family cannot. For decades, and still to this day, they feed the poor every Sunday, they took care of my grandpa, and recently they were both heavily involved, and had leadership responsibilities, in the dedication of the Tijuana LDS Temple. They live a life full of purpose and meaning, and ever since I was little I could see that--as clear as day--because they walked the walk. They live a happy life centered on Jesus Christ and are a great example to me and those around them. Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02400665583856062945noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7565469030539917833.post-26819398435988164152016-07-16T18:19:49.891-07:002016-07-16T18:19:49.891-07:00"As a gay Mormon it feels so odd to be tugged..."As a gay Mormon it feels so odd to be tugged in two different directions with people on both sides telling me that the key to happiness lies in a committed, romantic partnership."<br /><br />This statement reminds me of something I read in a book once that said this:“Everyone wants to tell you what to do and what's good for you. They don't want you to find your own answers, they want you to believe theirs. I want you to stop gathering information from the outside and start gathering it from the inside.”<br /><br />I believe it's the Spirit that speaks to us on the "inside". And it's by that Spirit, that we can learn and know what is best for our well being and happiness.<br /><br />I know what you're going though. I am in the same boat. I'm not sure if we've ever met, but I know we're not far removed, as we both know some of the same people. Thanks for sharing what you have shared and continue to share.The Wandererhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05901565623270788083noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7565469030539917833.post-34861334337624791722016-06-29T22:04:42.653-07:002016-06-29T22:04:42.653-07:00I just want to say, I think you're doing thing...I just want to say, I think you're doing things right. I really enjoyed this post.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7565469030539917833.post-45547486985131976902016-05-13T13:30:25.196-07:002016-05-13T13:30:25.196-07:00The same goes for bearing children. Not all marrie...The same goes for bearing children. Not all married couples can have kids like is suggested/taught. Does this mean these people are less valued? No. We live in an imperfect world. Things happen out of our control for reasons we can't understand. Opportunities not given us here will be given later. Just because we don't have the "ideal" family in this life doesn't mean we never will, even if one is struggling with being a gay mormon. Everything will one day be made right, that is our hope. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7565469030539917833.post-29069923225456632162016-05-08T19:54:21.316-07:002016-05-08T19:54:21.316-07:00I don't mean to be confrontational. But, I jus...I don't mean to be confrontational. But, I just had to respond to a previous commentor who said, "There are some things about the nature of God you can't fully appreciate until you love your spouse like Christ loves the church (a process that can't be completed in this life I'm sure), or you weep over your children."<br /><br />There ARE some things about the nature of God you don't fully understand without certain experiences. May I submit however, that ONE such experience is that of living (through no wrong-doing of your own), as Jesus himself did? WITHOUT an eternal companion on this mortal plane? There are also things you can not learn about the nature of God, unless, you've had the experience of weeping over the children you NEVER HAD? ALL of these are sanctifying experiences. And teach you things about both the character and ministry of Jesus Christ that can not be learned any other way.<br /><br />Keep in mind folks, there are 20% more females than males. If every single male member (just baptized member, independent of worthiness or compatibility) were to get married to a female member--there would be, literally, 20% of the single females left unmarried. God's plan for them (on earth AND in heaven) is NO. LESS. GLORIOUS for those who put their trust in Jesus. And, trust me, those who live with Jesus Christ at the center of their lives, learn no less about God, have no less potent testimony to bare of Him, than those are married. It takes a relationship with GOD to understand the nature of God. Any suggestion otherwise, to me, suggests a lack of familiarity with Jesus Christ himself.Suzannehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12695326688004926886noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7565469030539917833.post-71657446177636995512016-05-07T21:18:03.932-07:002016-05-07T21:18:03.932-07:00Just live your life as you choose, and afterwards ...Just live your life as you choose, and afterwards you will give an account of your choices, if you chose good then you'll receive eternal happiness and if you chose evil or lived in rebellion to God, then you'll receive everlasting misery. It's a no Brainer really.Americans of Faithhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11660804854941843522noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7565469030539917833.post-54452050922873966792016-05-07T17:59:10.905-07:002016-05-07T17:59:10.905-07:00The Family Proclamation states "circumstances...The Family Proclamation states "circumstances may necessitate individual adaptation." The Church will properly continue teaching the central importance of God's plan for marriage and family, but that doesn't mean that your spiritual journey is invalid or that you have no worth unless you are married.Erichttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01823244272265940902noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7565469030539917833.post-77654756715506484862016-05-07T04:40:41.721-07:002016-05-07T04:40:41.721-07:00I respect your decision and your thoughts and feel...I respect your decision and your thoughts and feelings. I saw that you didn't find anything in the scriptures linking the Plan of Salvation and marriage, and wanted to share a perspective. The Book of Mormon does not directly mention it, but Doctrine and Covenants does talk about marriage, in particular sealings. Without sealing families the "whole earth would be wasted at His coming." We know that God's work and glory is to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man. There is no more direct way to fulfill this than creating bodies for His spirit children and teaching them truth and loving them as God loves them.<br /><br />There are some things about the nature of God you can't fully appreciate until you love your spouse like Christ loves the church (a process that can't be completed in this life I'm sure), or you weep over your children. Think of the missionary scripture "if your not be great with one soul that you have brought unto me, how great will be your joy if you bring many souls unto me!"<br />Can you then imagine the joy of bringing souls that have become precious beyond measure in your lifetime, your own children, your spouse, unto God? <br /><br />Please, I understand you have your own path and I don't know how things work out, but marriage is an eternal principle of the Plan of Happiness.Alynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7565469030539917833.post-32391708371819053712016-05-06T17:34:01.081-07:002016-05-06T17:34:01.081-07:00Well said. Wrong as it is, I think we all tend to ...Well said. Wrong as it is, I think we all tend to pigeon-hole people into nice little categories (Mormons don't have a monopoly on that!). What I appreciated that is usually not present in these types of blogs is that you are working through your own thing while trying to live the gospel of Jesus Christ. Humans are just that--imperfect humans. If one really wants to find fault with something wrong said in General Conference, it can be done. But it's all about the spirit in which it is said. I doubt President Uchtdorf meant that if you aren't married, you are thwarting God's plan. Maybe the other leader you heard from really did mean that. I think that's his opinion, nothing more. But the single best thing about all this is that you didn't get on a soapbox about how The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints should change their stance on marriage. If one really has a testimony of The Book of Mormon, Joseph Smith, and President Monson, how can one not believe that we all have our trials and problems, but some of them are more visible than others. <br />Hang in there and live the gospel the best you can. Somehow, things will work out. I don't know how, but I believe that. I hope you do, too.<br /><br />JCAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7565469030539917833.post-66384701767871305252016-05-06T15:50:54.533-07:002016-05-06T15:50:54.533-07:00The man I married in 2009 was single all his life ...The man I married in 2009 was single all his life (he was 50 when we married) and he created for himself, an purposeful, authentic life in which he was very content and happy. Yes, he was lonely at times. Now I am married to a man with no regrets, a strong sense of self worth, and a sense of empathy and humility towards the suffering of others. I honor your choice and courage to create your own space outside of any and all boxes. Please continue sharing your thoughts and experiences, which helps us all so very much. Cris in WA STATE Cris Conertyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03378665586742830045noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7565469030539917833.post-28461463855352649202016-05-06T15:36:23.045-07:002016-05-06T15:36:23.045-07:00Thank you, this is so beautifully written. I espe...Thank you, this is so beautifully written. I especially love the idea of relationship with the Savior and helping others as being more talked about and important in the scriptures than eternal marriage and family. I struggled for years at church because I didn't fit the standard ticky boxes--I'm married to a non-member and don't have kids. There were many reasons I finally chose inactivity, but a big part was that I was tired of being told over and over (through lesson and in person) that my lack of eternal marriage and family was holding back/undermining my ability to find joy and happiness. <br /><br />I'm glad you are staying true to what you believe and being the person you are inside. I'm glad you are working with the "neither" box and not letting either part be a phase. I really hope that it continues to be a thing you can work with and that you aren't forced to choose one half or the other. Jeri Lynnhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18064041369260410561noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7565469030539917833.post-70447294908471833682016-05-06T15:17:58.657-07:002016-05-06T15:17:58.657-07:00Ben, powerful words. As an older single sister wit...Ben, powerful words. As an older single sister with similar struggles, I've felt unintentionally marginalized in the Church because I'm single. Not by all, not even by most, but-everything seems to be focused on marriage as the only thing I'm really missing! You said that some would have you believe that "happiness is found in being in a committed romantic relationship" and we both know that that isn't the sum truth of our existence. I would say that happiness is found in being in a committed relationship, spiritually speaking; with our Father and elder Brother. Other than that, we are where we are and who we are and how we are-and what others think won't bring us happiness. That comes from within and above. Thank you for your strong testimony.Dayhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11276298781277913302noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7565469030539917833.post-76846572609052480362016-05-06T13:56:56.071-07:002016-05-06T13:56:56.071-07:00I don't know you personally but I love you and...I don't know you personally but I love you and I love this an a totally felt the spirit reading it. I know so many people who struggle being single in the LDS church (for various reasons) and this just hit the nail on the head. You don't need a relationship, you need Christ! I love it! I think if everyone in the church understood this we'd all be happier and wouldn't expect marriage to solve our problems. Thank you for sharing your beautiful insights! Michellenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7565469030539917833.post-68839694520077279512016-05-06T13:01:58.825-07:002016-05-06T13:01:58.825-07:00Thank you Ben! I couldn't agree more. Marria...Thank you Ben! I couldn't agree more. Marriage isn't the end of all our striving. Jesus Christ is. He is Alpha and Omega, which translated, is the Beginning and the END ... of everything. Which is good cuz I'm really good at starting stuff, but not so much at finishing--but, I digress. Another angle is that when we're counseled against "looking beyond the mark", the mark is considered to be Jesus Christ. When we elevate any principal above Him, we're on shakey ground. Expecting the experience of marriage to fill all holes the in your heart that are meant for Jesus Christ only, sets you up for codependency, and puts you on a collision course with the reality of your daily need for him. Marriage can certainly bless and have a sanctifying effect. Believing marriage has more power to bless than Jesus himself is, to me, a form of idolatry. Idolatry of marriage. Joseph Smith once said, “The fundamental principles of our religion are the testimony of the apostles and prophets concerning Jesus Christ, that He died, was buried, and rose again the third day, and ascended into heaven; and all other things which pertain to our religion are but appendages to it.” Marriage is an APPENDAGE, not a replacement for the most fundamental principal: Jesus Christ. And Him crucified.Suzannehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12695326688004926886noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7565469030539917833.post-90553293343162530982016-05-06T09:27:39.545-07:002016-05-06T09:27:39.545-07:00Thank you for being an answer to a prayer by shari...Thank you for being an answer to a prayer by sharing thisAnonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06591224058416619534noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7565469030539917833.post-15808793409296842212016-05-06T09:07:24.096-07:002016-05-06T09:07:24.096-07:00Beautifully written. I agree with you completely. ...Beautifully written. I agree with you completely. The first and greatest commandment was not marriage, but to live God. The second was to live our neighbor. And as a married mother of two, I feel so often that my sphere of influence is limited to just my family. I completely admire your ability to work and influence so many. And honestly, my years spent single were glorious! I felt like I was much more spiritual and service-oriented then. And I miss the intimate friendships I had then. Like you said, my happiest moments, even as a wife and mother, are when my relationship with my Savior is strongest.<br /><br />Finally, getting married is no cure to loneliness. My cousin just became a widow in her thirties, and my brother just passed away, leaving a very young widow and young family. We can't depend on anything in this life, except for our Savior. God bless you, and bless the work and service you are doing.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7565469030539917833.post-3771199008232239982016-05-06T08:36:44.406-07:002016-05-06T08:36:44.406-07:00"Gay" is an adjective used to describe b..."Gay" is an adjective used to describe behavior and thought patterns, not an identity. Interesting thoughts. I'm really glad I personally didn't have to try to reconcile these two opposing lifestyles.Drewhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11976371743465765357noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7565469030539917833.post-24620887482758697082016-05-06T06:45:37.329-07:002016-05-06T06:45:37.329-07:00Wow, that was really beautiful. Thank you for shar...Wow, that was really beautiful. Thank you for sharing your insights, and thank you for serving like that.Jasonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17897692383039871432noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7565469030539917833.post-31254163290056217182016-05-05T22:22:37.945-07:002016-05-05T22:22:37.945-07:00They're not trying to put you into a box but b...They're not trying to put you into a box but back in a closet!Berthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10955558875972229238noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7565469030539917833.post-27807123928368565032016-05-05T21:28:38.183-07:002016-05-05T21:28:38.183-07:00YES! A thousand times YES! I love that you are sha...YES! A thousand times YES! I love that you are sharing your story! It is so powerful and I am also grateful you had 3 hours in the day to talk to this woman.<br /><br />To echo what you have already so eloquently put: I've learned that any romantic relationship is really about loving yourself. To quote Cool Runnings, "If you're not enough without the gold medal, you'll never be enough with one." Really, we should all work on being enough when all we have is ourselves and the Lord. Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11111258829025608520noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7565469030539917833.post-88546244518758529092016-05-05T20:30:05.647-07:002016-05-05T20:30:05.647-07:00This circumstance is very different in some ways, ...This circumstance is very different in some ways, but my dad has found himself newly (4 years) single after 25 years of an abusive (in multiple ways) marriage. He has struggled with much of the same sentiment you've expressed: that everything is focused on family and you are only worth something when married or whatever. He's had many people, some more well meaning than others, try and give him advice on what to do and when to get married and to whom, but he has repeatedly said something similar to you in that he's happy on his own with his relationship with the Savior right now. I know it's different in many ways and I don't mean to be presumptive, but I'm grateful for you both. I know it takes strength to listen to your gut and the spirit when everyone else is so dang loud.Nataliehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02581640560047044643noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7565469030539917833.post-65487399039455430702016-05-05T20:23:13.695-07:002016-05-05T20:23:13.695-07:00I don't know you at all, but this post came up...I don't know you at all, but this post came up on my Facebook feed. (I think one of my friends commented or liked it.) So much of what you said resonates with me and I wish I could put what I'm feeling into words. But thank you so much for writing your perspective. I hope others will come to understand this.Colettehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04218115702844872011noreply@blogger.com