tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7565469030539917833.post9103842422799381081..comments2024-02-17T06:39:55.875-08:00Comments on Ben There, Done That: How to Be a Gay Mormon's HeroBenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04151204932376899998noreply@blogger.comBlogger29125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7565469030539917833.post-81600747351110819902021-06-08T00:28:23.063-07:002021-06-08T00:28:23.063-07:00Ben, reading your posts has been surprisingly easy...Ben, reading your posts has been surprisingly easy for me. You put me at ease. I think that is because you have chosen to stay in the church so I feel like I can relate. I'm wondering, though, if you have any suggestions for how to better connect with family members who are gay and have chosen romantic love over the church. I don't know how to connect with them anymore. I want badly to show my love and have them in my life, but I am just not sure how to act around them when they are with their partners. I feel uncomfortable when they are affectionate. I don't mean to be bigoted. I truly want to show love, but I'm struggling. Any advice?<br /><br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7565469030539917833.post-9060150361219922842018-04-29T20:51:12.922-07:002018-04-29T20:51:12.922-07:00Ben, I really appreciate and love this post. I spe...Ben, I really appreciate and love this post. I spent some time reading through your blog tonight and I admire you for the time you take to patiently and honestly have these conversations and write heartfelt responses. This post was so helpful to me. I hope I can have the opportunity at some point to be a gay Mormon's hero! I felt the spirit reading this post and I love what you said about identifying more than anything as a Child of God. Thank you for being such a wonderful example and teacher. Ali W.https://www.blogger.com/profile/05203866089829636221noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7565469030539917833.post-27685800115582243712017-07-01T19:50:24.709-07:002017-07-01T19:50:24.709-07:00Thanks for speaking up.Thanks for speaking up.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06122518420054767980noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7565469030539917833.post-59375378713599780772017-06-26T04:58:01.937-07:002017-06-26T04:58:01.937-07:00I'm amazed that the Church is now accepting ga...I'm amazed that the Church is now accepting gay people. I actually left the Church years ago over it. I'm straight, but when I was 17 I had many friends that identified as gay or bisexual. I made the mistake of mentioning this at a Wednesday night meeting and was called into the Bishop' s office. He gave me a talk about how associating with such people would "lead me down the path of unrighteousness". I tried to tell him that talking to gay people didn't make you gay. And if it did, so what? I don't believe God would punish anyone for loving someone else. He wouldn't listen to me. That was the end for me. I've had no desire to go back ever since. Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16372614124201705739noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7565469030539917833.post-47717218334713789842017-03-20T06:37:03.892-07:002017-03-20T06:37:03.892-07:00Your blog is wonderful! I'm just starting to l...Your blog is wonderful! I'm just starting to look around here -- wow, you have so much useful, thoughtful information. Thanks and God bless!<br /><br /><a href="http://ryansirois.com/" rel="nofollow">gay community book</a><br /><a href="http://ryansirois.com/" rel="nofollow">King of Stars</a>Twelve One Fivehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00885482512549092839noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7565469030539917833.post-49498302465747932762016-02-19T20:24:19.238-08:002016-02-19T20:24:19.238-08:00Same here. I grew up in the Bible Belt. So I'm...Same here. I grew up in the Bible Belt. So I'm from a much more conservative background.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07476637653002077132noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7565469030539917833.post-69668446034996373052016-02-19T17:11:32.236-08:002016-02-19T17:11:32.236-08:00Thanks for you comment, Jacob. I'm super glad ...Thanks for you comment, Jacob. I'm super glad that you've found peace and fulfillment in your journey. That's what I hope for everyone. The respond to your first comment, yes, this post was intended for a Mormon audience. <br /><br />You and I see a lot of things differently and that's okay. You seem committed to living the restored gospel just like I am and that should be the thing that unites us. I don't know where you live, but where I have spent the majority of my life (Washington and Arizona) the term "gay" doesn't feel like a loaded term to me. When I call myself gay and when other people call me gay I don't think anyone is talking about my sexual activity (since there would be none to discuss, anyway). And if you want to say you have SSA I'm totally cool with that. I don't want to force any labels onto anyone else, but I also want to choose how to define myself. And I wouldn't force you to call me gay if that made you feel uncomfortable. <br /><br />Also, I'm glad you've found People Can Change to be beneficial. For me, the years I spent trying to change my sexuality were dark years for me (you can read about that in my previous posts) and I feel a lot happier being open and honest about myself. And more than that, I feel God's approval with how I'm living my life and that's important to me. <br /><br />I take no offense from your comment, Jacob and I appreciate you sharing a different perspective in a respectful way. Benhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04151204932376899998noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7565469030539917833.post-59763891024788637142016-02-19T16:49:23.958-08:002016-02-19T16:49:23.958-08:00Nice post. You look quite attractive too. Not to t...Nice post. You look quite attractive too. Not to take away from what I said--namely that this was a nice post, but... hmmm... You start off talking as if you were only talking to Mormons. I was thinking a few footnotes would help. Then in point #5, you started explaining what any insider would already know. lol I get the church discipline thing. But this 5th Sunday...hmmm.... What???? Ok this must be a very raw occasion but you speak of it as if it happens every month. I mean how many 5th Sundays are there in a month? <br /><br />Labels-- I get what you are saying about straight. that is a good comparison. However, I focus on function. The term gay just doesn't function the same way. its a loaded word. Perhaps at some time in the future, the word will mellow out and it be seen more descriptive of our feelings than our lifestyle. "Gay" also implies you are happy with this "way of being." While I'm content, I would not say I'm unabashedly "proud" in the sense that some use it. I have no gay rights agenda. I want to completely separate myself from anything associated with that and any ambiguity. <br /><br />While I accept non-Christians "gays" as gay and LGBT people, I see it as a negative term. People need to know that there is a distinction. Also it should be noted that not all people who have same-sex attraction want to have sex with the same-sex. For some of us that is not much of a concept. Thus I prefer same-sex attraction as a description of my attractions. I'm a man with SSA. When people see me, I don't want them to even consider that I'm a sympathetic to the more radical agenda of the gay rights movement.<br /><br />Not being called "gay" also fits into my worldview. I don't believe people are born that way. Even the gay-rights leaning APA acknowledges this. I'm on the nurture side. Thus I see myself again as a man with emotional wounds. <br /><br />So its difficult. I would find it difficult to call you gay. You are a beautiful, handsome son of God with some deviant thoughts. I'm committed to my worldview and my stance on this issue because I think the Gay rights movement is going too far and exploiting people with same-sex attraction for their own agenda. There is need for further dialog on this issue.<br /><br />Lastly, I'd like to say that an organization founded by Mormons, People Can Change, has been of lasting benefit to me. Before I discovered PCC I thought I could never date or marry. It just seemed impossible! The whole I idea was preposterous! I no longer have those views. (I do understand that these organizations and the therapy they provide are not for everyone. Besides the fact that its a lot of work. But they do work!) Thus brave Mormons who speak up are doing a world of good for people like me who were looking for hope, community and a way out! <br /><br />Thanks! I hope I don't cause an offense. Best wishes. My hope is that at least it provides a different perspective and shows some complexity regarding these issues. Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07476637653002077132noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7565469030539917833.post-56115176537499064602016-02-19T15:38:50.076-08:002016-02-19T15:38:50.076-08:00To the arguing Anonymouses,
Both of you have valid...To the arguing Anonymouses,<br />Both of you have valid concerns that you are free to share. However, the name calling and hyperbole are not constructive and do not contribute to a productive dialogue. Let's all be a little more like Alex who responded to Anonymous's comment in a positive and effective way. I'm happy to talk to anyone who has concerns with what I wrote, but I'm not happy when commenters are rude to each other in the comments section. You are welcome to your opinions and you are welcome to express them, but please use a kind, respectful tone. Thanks and feel free to shoot me an email if you're still annoyed by any of the comments. benschilaty@gmail.comBenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04151204932376899998noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7565469030539917833.post-20956484165643989342016-02-19T14:38:22.684-08:002016-02-19T14:38:22.684-08:00Stay rad forever Ben and keep on sharing! I am lea...Stay rad forever Ben and keep on sharing! I am learning a lot from you!erinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05962405262181773751noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7565469030539917833.post-55258652014003032402016-02-19T14:24:52.369-08:002016-02-19T14:24:52.369-08:00In response to Anonymous Reply, ironically your re...In response to Anonymous Reply, ironically your response is the one who is judgmental. You cannot say I am judgmental, self righteous, or do not love as the Savior does, if you do not know me. Just because I disagree with the "Act" of being Gay, does not mean I do not love everyone with a Christ like love. If stating you are Gay means you struggle with Same-sex attraction then that is one thing, but if one is acting out the sexual act and is stating that it is alright to do this, then in God's eyes it is wrong and immoral. Agency is the first gift that was given to everyone but when that agency affects the influence of young children, "stating to them that it is ok to act out like this" then this is where it is wrong. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7565469030539917833.post-34842059773897604592016-02-16T02:20:35.077-08:002016-02-16T02:20:35.077-08:00Anonymous, I'm sorry for you that you don'...Anonymous, I'm sorry for you that you don't see how you cannot truly love others with your self righteous and judgemental attitude. Especially after reading this article, I would hope you would feel more compassion. Your 'boundaries' and fine lines' are unloving and judgemental. The Church's website, mormonsandgays.org, states very clearly that being gay is not a choice nor is it a sin. So why is it 'not ok'? People are born gay and straight, short and tall, blue eyes or brown, etc. Would you tell a child their blue eyes are not ok? How would that make your child feel? I am also a mother and I have a wonderful daughter who is gay. If I have any regrets they are that I wish I would have been more careful with my attitude and words I used before she told us she is gay. Your attitude about 'boundaries and fine lines' and your words saying 'gay is not ok' cause hurt and heartache among your family and friends. I guarantee you love someone who is gay but they will never feel comfortable enough with you to tell you unless you learn to love as the Savior taught. Please educate yourself and soften your heart. Lives depend on it. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7565469030539917833.post-54634877950261253812016-02-15T11:02:08.637-08:002016-02-15T11:02:08.637-08:00Just a note, in this article, gay only refers to b...Just a note, in this article, gay only refers to being same-sex attracted. You are using "gay" to refer to actually acting out sexually. There are many people who are SSA or gay, but live worthy of the blessings of the temple. In this context, yes it is OK to be gay, and there are many ways to "be gay" within the bounds the Lord has set.<br /><br />Of course we'd never want to teach children that breaking the law of chastity is moral, but as you said, it is important to create a space for everyone at church.Covenant Keeping Queerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07242547479076901217noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7565469030539917833.post-52340054597100691612016-02-15T09:45:21.196-08:002016-02-15T09:45:21.196-08:00I'm sorry but there is a fine line here for th...I'm sorry but there is a fine line here for those who want to live the gospel and set a good example. This fine line is loving one another but also having healthy boundaries. This especially pertains to raising children. As a mother myself, I certainly don't want to promote to my children and set the example that the act of being Gay is ok. Because it is not. The healthy boundary here is not to teach children that being Gay is ok but in loving one another. So in regards to having a 5th Sunday lesson on Gays and Mormons, if the discussion was just to adults and referred to how we as members need to love one another but do not accept the act of being Gay, then this may be productive. Again, I certainly want my children to love one another and treat everyone with kindness. This being said, I do believe that those who are Gay should be welcomed at church and have callings depending on their membership standing with God. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7565469030539917833.post-4967494432708014742016-02-14T21:35:42.901-08:002016-02-14T21:35:42.901-08:00I just posted this on my Facebook account because ...I just posted this on my Facebook account because I am out to my ward and stake as a homosexual male in a mixed orientation marriage and fully participating in the church. I believe that hard choices are made by many individuals as they strive to remain faithfully engaged in their pursuit of the gospel of Jesus Christ. I want to help others experiencing homosexuality know that it is not a sin and that it is not our Savior intent for us to be misfits or outcasts in the church. There is a place for everyone in the church. We may have to be pioneers in forgiving and loving as Christ has counseled--but it will be worth it. Davidhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15682040432986853321noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7565469030539917833.post-3168882711256363612016-02-14T16:56:10.030-08:002016-02-14T16:56:10.030-08:00Thank you for being a such willing and open pionee...Thank you for being a such willing and open pioneer. I can only imagine the struggles you have faced to make you such a strong and faithful leader. Being Mormon and being gay is not an easy set of circumstances to have been sent here with. You are helping lead those in our faith to a truer understanding of the Savior's commandments. Thank you for your willingness to be so bravely authentic and open and for remaining faithful. We need you! I know the blessings of Heaven will be yours. Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07002265393101393854noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7565469030539917833.post-78616503653746060222016-02-14T16:14:24.771-08:002016-02-14T16:14:24.771-08:00thanks for the advice :)thanks for the advice :)Holly Deckerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15736229630337808144noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7565469030539917833.post-80618965530420478342016-02-13T20:16:05.315-08:002016-02-13T20:16:05.315-08:00Thanks for your kind words and feel free to share ...Thanks for your kind words and feel free to share the post.Benhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04151204932376899998noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7565469030539917833.post-33678702274601942072016-02-13T20:00:39.649-08:002016-02-13T20:00:39.649-08:00Ben, my Brother, you _get_ it (and are an awesome ...Ben, my Brother, you _get_ it (and are an awesome communicator). Thank you for sharing this! Since it is a public blog, you wouldn't mind me sharing it on social media, etc., would you? Thanks & best wishes. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7565469030539917833.post-50149376528225908682016-02-10T11:37:48.113-08:002016-02-10T11:37:48.113-08:00I will never not share this! This is absolutely am...I will never not share this! This is absolutely amazing and exactly what I needed to hear! I left church last Sunday extremely discouraged by the lesson in Elders Quorum because it was so negative and hurtful. It was all, "Gay is not okay" and it was discouraging. I am out publicly, but I don't think that everyone in the Elders Quorum knows or knows me, so my fault for not saying anything, but all that you have said is absolutely what I have been thinking! Thank you for writing this blog post! Absolutely wonderful! Thank you for taking the time to write this. I hope that a lot of people read this. I know that for me I felt alone and lonely, but discovering that I am not the only Gay Mormon in the world, actively living the gospel and doing my best, has lead to so many blessings! It is absolutely wonderful and I thank you for this blog post!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13052047919699692070noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7565469030539917833.post-21912168747975334762016-02-09T22:49:18.028-08:002016-02-09T22:49:18.028-08:00Grandma Marilyn, if you and I were to spend the da...Grandma Marilyn, if you and I were to spend the day together my being gay would probably never come up. It's not something that I shout or force people to talk about. But it is a part of me. And as a believing Mormon it makes my life a lot more complex. The hardest part for me was feeling alone, like no one understood me. I don't want anyone to have to feel alone. Openness and honesty create compassion, understanding and community. I feel like becoming of one heart and one mind means that we understand what it's like to walk in another person's shoes. To me, sharing my faith and experiences is how I build Zion. And if you don't want to get to know this part of my life that's just fine. You definitely don't have to read my blog. But if you do want to get to know me better shoot me an email and we can chat.Benhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04151204932376899998noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7565469030539917833.post-29278052630509851552016-02-09T22:22:22.968-08:002016-02-09T22:22:22.968-08:00So good to read this. So good to read this. Daynahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13762746426944662600noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7565469030539917833.post-88358507635156866062016-02-09T21:53:25.673-08:002016-02-09T21:53:25.673-08:00I have a gay son, so i get it. What i DON'T g...I have a gay son, so i get it. What i DON'T get is why gay people feel they must tell us. I'm not gay, and i don't feel i mudt proclaim that. Why should anyone else feel like they must exclaim their sexual preferance? Must i proclaim i like it better thus or such do i feel better? I just don't get why gays mormons, more specifically you, feel you must "let us know" anout this private part of your life! Fine! Be gay! Who cares? I'll still love you. Don't make no diff to me. Just be yourself. Right?Grandma Marilynhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05275375126725286119noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7565469030539917833.post-20249826784535616522016-02-09T18:24:06.489-08:002016-02-09T18:24:06.489-08:00I don't know your loved ones so I can't of...I don't know your loved ones so I can't offer specific advice, but since your not the bishop just make sure that you are loving them and welcoming them. Make sure they know that regardless of their standing in the church you want them there and you will walk with them on their journey. Make sure they know they are loved and wanted. And any good bishop, regardless of any disciplinary action he takes, will do the same.Benhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04151204932376899998noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7565469030539917833.post-7678312862429053162016-02-09T17:42:41.137-08:002016-02-09T17:42:41.137-08:00If the ones I love who are gay mention they would ...If the ones I love who are gay mention they would like to come back to church, but they are not living church standards, say, in a marriage. How would I discuss the possible disciplinary council with them? I don't think those that I love understand church doctrine well enough to be able to handle a disciplinary council. How can I encourage them to do something, like return to church activity, when I have a fear it might hurt them more than help them? I am a returned missionary, have a testimony and understanding of the doctrines and receiving that letter would even be hard for me to handle. I suppose I just need to have faith that the Lord knows what He is doing with them personally, and love them enough to help them get back within His fold. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com