Sunday, December 23, 2012

Caller Unknown

This morning I was woken up by a phone call.  I’ve said this before, but I’m really, really not a morning person.  I’m really groggy, I don’t think clearly, and my voice is lower than normal.  This morning it was a friend returning my call from a few days ago.  I rolled over in my cot and answered the phone.   The conversation went something like this:

Friend: Hi Ben!
Me: Hello… (I tried to make my voice sound normal, but I still had my retainers in and I had a bad case of morning voice.)
Friend: Did I wake you up?
Me:  Oh, that’s great!
Friend: …
Me: I mean, yes.  Yes you did.

I’m often confused and disoriented when I wake up and I guess my default response to a question is “Oh, that’s great!” because that’s what I said before my brain processed the question asked by my friend.

A few days ago I was woken up by a phone call as well, but this call was from a number I didn’t recognize.  I answered the phone and it was some guy calling from the BYU counseling center offering me $20 to take a survey online.  I’ve taken many BYU surveys for free and I was definitely willing to do one for money.  I was still pretty asleep when he asked, “Would you be willing to take 30 minutes to do an online survey for $20?”  I responded, “I love $20.”  He then verified my email address and let me go back to sleep.

I had only been asleep for a few minutes when I got another call from another number I didn’t recognize.  Still groggy, I answered the phone.  The woman on the phone explained that she was so-and-so’s sister and that I’d met her and so-and-so’s surprise birthday party two months ago.  My sleepy mind tried to figure out what was happening, but it was struggling.  She went on to say that there was a girl at church that she thought would be perfect for me and she wanted me to take her out so she asked her if she would go out with me, got my number from so-and-so, and called me.  That’s when I realized that this near stranger was setting me up on a blind date and had gone to great lengths to do so.  My sleepy response was, “Wow, this is very brave of you.  You don’t even know me.  Yeah, I’ll go out with your friend.”  She gave me her friend’s number and then I crawled back into my cot.

My last story happened last night.  A friend called me to tell me that she had left a secret Santa gift on someone’s porch.  She asked me to text the person to let her know that there was a gift on her front porch.  She wanted me to send the text so that the text would come from an unknown caller.  Later last night my friend emailed me this girl’s Facebook status.  Here’s what it said:

“Nothing like waking up from a nap and letting your dog out to go potty only to find two gifts outside your front door to yourself.  Then checking your phone and seeing you got a text from a number you don’t recognize saying ‘There is a gift on your front porch. ~Santa.”  I got a huge fleece blanket and a beautiful outfit… Yes I opened them early Santa!  HEHE Man I am feeling loved and the Christmas spirit!!!  Thank you Santa!!!”

You’re welcome, stranger.  I purposely used a squiggly line in front of Santa’s name because I thought it seemed more Santa-like than a boring old dash.

So if you get a call from an unknown number, don’t be afraid to answer.  You might just get a date, twenty dollars, or a gift from Santa.  And if you sleep in past 9:00 am you're likely to get woken up by a phone call.

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Scrawny Jeans

It feels so good to be done with my first semester at the University of Arizona and to be back in Washington for Christmas.  It’s been awhile since I last blogged because the end of the semester was slightly hectic.

Today I went shopping with the Kecks, one of my second families.  We stopped by the Levi’s store to look for jeans and as usual I was having trouble finding jeans in my size.  Apparently few people are as lanky as I am (it would be so much easier if I just got a little tubbier).  One of the sales people started looking for jeans in my size without my soliciting his help.  He was unsuccessful and sincerely apologized.  Since there were no jeans that I wanted Nathan, my 18 year old friend, recommended that I try on a pair of skinny jeans.  I wasn’t planning on buying any skinny jeans, but I thought it’d be funny to try some on just like it’d be funny to try on a do-rag or a cardigan, but I’d never buy such a thing.

I went into the fitting room and wriggled my way into the jeans.  I examined myself in the mirror and thought I looked pretty absurd.  I left the fitting room and went into the main part of the store to show the Kecks how funny I looked.  I was totally expecting them to disapprove of the skinny jeans because Nathan wears skater clothes, Lisa shops at Ann Taylor, and Brad was about to buy a pair of jeans that had just been described as “unflattering.”  I was bum-puzzled when they all loved the jeans.  The conversation went something like this:

Me: They’re too tight.
Lisa: They look really good.  I like them.
Nathan: I like them, too.
Me: But I can’t move.
Brad: They really do look good.
Me: But you can see the curvature of my butt!
Lisa: That’s kind of the point.

At this point two male sales associates joined in on the conversation.  They were the kind of people that wear tight jeans rolled up at the bottom, v-neck shirts, have pierced ears, and wear Toms.  They both insisted that I looked awesome, too.  I didn’t know what to do so I started spouting excuses for not being able to wear the jeans such as, “I can’t wear skinny jeans; I’m a Republican!”  I also tried to explain that my legs are so skinny that the idea that fabric was touching all sides of my leg at the same time seemed unseemly.  But they wouldn’t have any of it and insisted that I looked great.

I eventually waddled away from the conversation pretending like the jeans were so tight that I couldn’t walk properly in them.  After struggling to get out of them I tried to hand them to Amanda, the lady guarding the fitting rooms.  She told me that the jeans made me look sexy (that’s quite a feat, let me tell you) and wouldn’t take them.  I tried to give them to her and she would not take them.  Lisa walked over, grabbed the jeans and said that she would be buying them for me as Christmas present because if she gave them to me then I’d be obligated to wear them.  I had been defeated.

As we looked around the store a bit more I said to Lisa, “Are you going to make me wear v-neck shirts, too?”  One of the sales associates wearing a v-neck overheard and said, “You could totally rock a v-neck.”  I decided to stop mentioning clothes before they picked out an entire wardrobe for me that I didn’t want.

When people ask me what I want for Christmas this year I’ve been saying, “All I want is some new socks.”  They had a great sale on socks so I bought a pack of six for $2.  I had unexpectedly been gifted a pair of jeans that I thought made me look ridiculous, but at least I left with the only thing I wanted for Christmas.

When I got home I told my sister that the Kecks had bought me a pair of skinny jeans.  She was horrified.  That’s no exaggeration, she was actually horrified.  So many mixed signals tonight.  I guess some people just don’t want to see the curvature of my butt.