The following exchange happened in a professional meeting
with more than a dozen people in attendance.
Steve: (referring to something from the 1980s) “Sorry, I’m
really dating myself here.”
Me: “Steve?! You’re a gay Mormon, too?! Because the only
person I’m allowed to date is myself.”
Everyone else in the room (including Steve): (impressed with
my zinger) “Wow!”
When other Mormons learn that I’m gay, active in the church,
and not pursuing a relationship with a woman I often get asked, “So you’ve
chosen to be celibate?” I’ve been asked this and similar questions many dozens
of times. I assume it stems from the three possible paths we typically think are
available to gay Mormons: find an opposite-sex partner and stay in the church,
leave the church and find a same-sex partner, or stay in the church and be
celibate. The question doesn’t really annoy me because people are just trying
to figure me out. However, asking me if I’ve chosen to be celibate is reductive
and inaccurate.
Asking if I’m going to be celibate makes it seem as if my
life choices revolve around whether or not I’m going to have sex. Imagine
someone excitedly announcing their engagement to you and you respond,
“Congratulations! So you’ve decided to have sex?” Kind of silly, huh? In this
situation, the typical response is to be thrilled that this person has found
their life companion with no mention of their sex life. We might even buy them
a pillow with embroidered letters that read, “I MARRIED MY BEST FRIEND.” For
some reason, though, my life choices are often boiled down to whether or not
I’m planning on having sex.
Somehow this is the level of discourse we’ve arrived at when
discussing what the life of an active, gay Mormon looks like. So I’d like to
offer some alternatives. Here are some questions you could ask instead of
asking your single, gay Mormon friends if they are going to be celibate:
“What are your plans for the future?”
“What do you want your life to look like?”
“How can I help you thrive on the path you’ve chosen?”
“Man, you must be so sad and lonely all the time, right?”
Okay, that last one is just a joke. I’m perfectly happy and
willing to talk about my future and what I think it will look like within
Mormonism. But celibacy has never been part of my life decisions. I fully admit
and understand that no sex is what my future will look like if I plan to move
forward in the church, but at no point was sex any part of the equation for me.
Gay Mormons have to make sacrifices, no matter what we
choose. Unfortunately, we are regularly shamed for whichever choice we make.
“Oh, you chose to leave the church and break your covenants, did you?” “I see,
you’re a victim of patriarchy and you’re allowing your church to force you into
an inauthentic relationship.” “No sex, huh? I couldn’t live like that. It’s
only a matter of time before you change your mind.” So yes, celibacy is part of
the package of the life I have chosen, but it is not the main part of the
package, nor is sex the thing I feel like I’m giving up.
Here’s the sacrifice I feel like I’m making. My mom has
Alzheimer’s and her memory is getting
 |
| My parents and I over Christmas |
I remember sitting in my parents’ rec room alone that night
just yearning for a partner. Watching my parents’ decline is tough, and it’s
tougher to do it alone. My mom was getting stressed as she searched the house
not even knowing what she was looking for. It was so tender to see my dad’s
response to her stress. He just hugged her and told her he loved her. I needed
someone to do that for me in that moment. I know that I have plenty of friends
who I could have called to talk to, but in that moment I didn’t need a friend—I
needed a partner. I sat there feeling sorry for myself for a few minutes, and
then I called my sister because she’s the closest thing I have to a partner.
 |
| My sister and I decided to make a Christmas card this year |
That is what I’m sacrificing. I’m not choosing to be
celibate, and I’m not choosing to give up sex. I’m choosing to live life
without a partner. I’m not saying that so that you’ll pity me, and I’m not
complaining either. I’m just explaining my reality and the choices I’m making. And
I have made these choices based on what feels right to me in my mind and in my
heart.
Steve, a straight Mormon and my friend, told me after the
meeting that my “perfectly timed and delivered” riposte (his words) had brought
him a step closer to beginning to understand what my life’s choices meant. So if Steve ever asks about my dating life he'll just get to hear me talk about myself.
Yes, I’m giving up a lot by deciding to move forward in the
church, but there is also a lot I’m gaining. I’ve already addressed this topic
in this post and this post. I fully expect to be asked about my celibacy many
times in the coming years and that’s fine, but there are so many better things
you could ask me about. Ask about my participation in church. Ask about my work
in the temple. Ask about my home teaching (okay, don’t ask about that one). Ask
about what I’m studying in the scriptures and the insights I’ve gained (which
is actually one of my favorite topics of conversation). Ask how I’m reaching
out to the people around me. Ask about my job and my studies and my family. And
if you really, really, really want to know how much sex I’m currently having
and plan to have in the future, fine, ask about that, too.
