Goldilocks and the Gay Mormon Paradox

I occasionally get messages from well-meaning people explaining to me what’s wrong with my life and how to fix it. “Marry a man,” they say, “You deserve to be happy.” Marry a woman,” say others, “It’s part of God’s plan for you.” I have one group of people telling me that I need to be in a same-sex relationship to be happy and another testifying that an opposite-sex relationship will bring me true joy. I feel like Goldilocks getting a bowl of ice cold porridge shoved in my face followed by a bowl of steaming hot porridge. Both groups are telling to me that I need to get married, but both options require immense sacrifice. One option is too hot, one option is too cold, but I’m looking for the option that is just right. 

On April 23^rd I spoke at the Arizona LDS LGBT/SSA conference in Mesa. It was a great experience and I got to meet some awesome people (like my hero Tom Christofferson who has super-white teeth). The gay Mormon community is a very huggy community and I got loads of hugs throughout the day. Part of my bio in the conference program said: “Ben rents a room from two retired lesbians who encourage him to get married more than any bishop ever has. Despite their encouragement to find a boyfriend Ben is 100% single and plans to remain that way for the foreseeable future.” I was chatting with a woman after my talk and she said, “It’s too bad you’re not dating because I know some great guys I’d love to set you up with.” I thanked her and told her that I was flattered she wanted to set me up with her friends. She then said, “We can chat again in a few years when you change you mind.” I was a little taken aback by her comment because she was basically saying that Mormonism is just a phase for me.

I get this a lot from people. A former professor of mine who is gay randomly stumbled upon my blog. He then sent me a Facebook message saying that reading it filled him with sadness and he encouraged me to find love now. He said, “Love is love, and practicing it is the greatest of God-given gifts.” His message was unexpected, unsolicited, and incredibly kind. I really appreciated that he took the time to reach out to me personally. He saw me actively choosing to not be in the kind of relationship I want to be in and he just wanted me to know that I didn’t have to deny myself of the things I really want. His message was caring and encouraging. Other times I feel pitied by people. Actually, I often feel pitied by people not of my faith. I hear them saying, “Your church is holding you back. Just be true to yourself and who you are.”

And then there are the Mormons, another group of well-meaning people who tell me the exact opposite thing. “You’re not gay,” some of them say, “you just experience same-gender attraction. You shouldn’t put yourself in a box by labeling yourself as ‘gay.’” If I just stop thinking about my same-gender attraction then it will diminish. They tell me that marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and that if I have enough faith and trust in the atonement of Jesus Christ I can find a woman to marry and have a happy marriage and therefore a happy life. They tell me that love is a choice and I can choose whom to love so I should just choose to love a woman. To them, my being gay is just a phase. I do need to say, however, that the Mormons who know me don’t say these kinds of things to me, but I have heard them from well-meaning Mormons who don’t know me personally.

Well-meaning people say the darnedest things, don’t they?

I used my immense artistic talent to make the
kind of box that I'm trying to live in

I feel like people are trying to shove me into two different boxes. In the gay box I don’t get to practice my faith, but I get to be in the kind of relationship that feels natural to me. In the Mormon box I get to live my faith, but I have to marry a woman (which is, to put it kindly, unappealing to me). So what is a gay Mormon to do? Is being gay a phase or is being Mormon a phase? Sorry, everyone, but neither of them feel like phases to me. So I’ve decided to choose neither box (for the foreseeable future) because both boxes don’t feel right in my mind or in my heart. And here’s why. Both groups are telling me that happiness is found in being in a committed romantic relationship. While I agree that being in a relationship has the potential to bring immense happiness, I do not think it’s a requirement for happiness. I’m single and I feel whole and happy just the way I am.

I love so much about Mormon doctrine and Mormon culture, but we are often taught that the whole point of life is to get married and have a family. This emphasis on marriage gave me a skewed perspective of what brings happiness. For example, in the last General Conference President Eyring said that “everything we do should have celestial marriage as its focus and purpose.” Everything we do?! Everything is a lot of things. One year ago in General Conference President Packer said, “The end of all activity in the Church is to see a man and a woman with their children are happy at home, sealed for eternity.” All activity in the church has this goal?! So if I go home and I don’t have a wife and kids there, is my activity in the church not achieving its purpose? I have no problem with our doctrine of the eternal nature of families. I love it, in fact. And I love my family. I love my parents, siblings, sisters-in-law, and my nieces and nephews. They’re just great. But teaching that the whole point of everything is marriage kind of stings for us single people. That doesn’t make it less true, but it also doesn’t make it easy either. And I’ve seen a lot of my single female friends suffer greatly because they’re single. Some of them tie their self-worth to marriage and when marriage doesn’t happen for them it is absolutely devastating.

A few months ago a church leader said that if we don’t get married the plan (meaning the Plan of Salvation) is halted. This assertion really struck me. Like, it really, really struck me. It struck me so much that I decided to see if it was true. I decided to focus my daily scripture study on the Plan of Salvation as taught in the Book of Mormon (which was written for our day, contains the fullness of the gospel, and is the most correct book, right?). I carefully read chapter after chapter detailing the plan as taught by Nephi, Lehi, King Benjamin, Enos, Abinadi, Alma, and others. As I’ve studied their teachings of the Plan of Happiness I have found zero passages that mention a marriage relationship as a key to happiness. But over and over again they mention our relationship with the Savior and our relationship with those in need. It seems to me, and I’m certain that this is what Book of Mormon prophets were teaching, that happiness stems from becoming like Jesus and building Zion. Can marriage play a huge role in developing Christlike attributes and building Zion? Of course. Strong marriages and families are essential to society and to the progress of the church, but that doesn’t mean that one needs to be in a marriage to be happy. I can testify to that.

The last ten months of my life have been extraordinary. I have done my absolute best to live the principles found in the Plan of Happiness as taught in the Book of Mormon. Let me just share one example of how the words in the Book of Mormon have directly affected my actions. Mosiah 4:16 says, “And also, ye yourselves will succor those that stand in need of your succor; ye will administer of your substance unto him that standeth in need…” Recently a woman in her 50s needed a ride to church and I was asked to drive her. On the drive to church I learned that she has been anorexic since she was ten, she has cancerous ulcers which make it very painful to eat most things, she lives alone and has no friends, and the previous day had eaten nothing but a biscuit. I looked into her honest eyes and at her 70lbs frame and I felt like I needed to help. So the next day I offered to take her to lunch. She ate slowly, but she ate a lot. We chatted for two hours and had a great time. Out of nowhere she asked, “Are you a writer?” I said, “Well, not really, but I’ve written a lot for school.” She told me that for years she’s wanted to write her life story, but doesn’t have any way to do it. She said that she knew she would be dying soon and asked me if I would write her life story. Without hesitation I said that I would.

The next week I took her to lunch again, but this time I brought my laptop. We sat in the restaurant for nearly three hours and I typed as fast as I could while she told me about her childhood and adolescence and about her love for her father who past away decades ago. She cried multiple times and it felt like a sacred moment as she pulled me into her treasured memories. When I got home that day I reflected on how crazy it is that I have three free hours in the middle of the day that I can dedicate to recording this woman’s story. And I thought about my job and I how I make enough money that I don’t even have to think twice about the expense of buying someone a meal at a nice restaurant. And I thought about how marvelous it is that I randomly met this woman and how being single has given me the opportunity to bear her burdens and make a record of her life. If I had a wife and children, I doubt I would have been able to do these things. I don’t want to at all diminish the amazing work done by wives and mothers, husbands and fathers. But I for sure want to elevate the wonderful work that can be done by single people like me. Because we are still part of families and we are sons and daughters, brothers and sisters. And we have a lot to contribute.

As I’ve reflected on the different people on different sides who try to tell me what’s best for me or the ways that I need to change, I’ve been reminded of 1 Corinthians 12:17-23. Here are those verses as they read in my grandma’s old Bible. “Suppose the whole body were an eye—then how would you hear? Or if your whole body were just one big ear, how could you smell anything? But that isn’t the way God has made us. He has made many parts for our bodies and has put each part just where he wants it. What a strange thing a body would be if it had only one part! So he has made many parts, but still there is only one body. The eye can never say to the hand, ‘I don’t need you.’ The head can’t say to the feet, ‘I don’t need you.’ And some of the parts that seem weakest and least important are really the most necessary. Yes, we are especially glad to have some parts that seem rather odd!” I have felt at times like I’m the odd part of the church, like I don’t really fit in to the Plan of Happiness, but we are all necessary. Even those of us who feel like it’s best to stay single.

As a gay Mormon it feels so odd to be tugged in two different directions with people on both sides telling me that the key to happiness lies in a committed, romantic partnership. I believe that relationships are essential to happiness and the relationship that is most likely to bring me happiness is the relationship I have with my Savior. I know, I know, it sounds so cheesy to say it, but it’s true. The times I’m the saddest are the times when I fail to live up to the principles that I cherish and the times I’m the happiest are when I’m successful. The truth is that I’m 100% single and I’m happy. I’m really, really happy. I feel like over the past months I’ve been discovering what it is that makes life so full and wonderful. My only request is that you don’t try to put me a box because I’ve found a way to live my life that works for me. I’m certain it wouldn’t work for everyone, but it feels right in my mind and in my heart. It’s not too hot, not too cold, but it feels just right.

Thank you, Elder Holland, But I Wish You Had Said More

 Last Tuesday was a super-stressful day. I'm winding down my grad school experience so I have a lot of "self-directed time" so work is rarely hectic or crazy. Last Tuesday, however, I worked the entire day and still wasn't able to finish everything I needed to do. At 7:15 pm I finished teaching a class that I hadn't had enough time to prepare and I just felt exhausted and overwhelmed. I gathered up my things and sulked across the street to the LDS Institute. The Face to Face event with Elder Holland, Elder Hallstrom, and Sister Stephens was wrapping up and I sat down on the floor in the back of the gym to watch the last five minutes. As I listened to Elder Holland's closing testimony all my stress just melted away. I felt peaceful and refreshed and also super-bummed that I had missed most of the broadcast.  

The next day I listened to the entire Face to Face event and it was just phenomenal. I loved it. I especially appreciated Sister Stephens' point about Corianton from the Book of Mormon and how he was able to repent and be a force for good in the church of God. Her emphasis on the content of our hearts and not dwelling on past mistakes was spot on.

The last question that was asked was about same-gender attraction. Elder Holland was asked what he would say if he were meeting face to face with a member of the church who experienced same-gender attraction who feels alone and scared and isn’t sure how they fit in to the Lord’s kingdom. I was on the edge of my seat, anxious to see what he would say. He talked about the importance of the law of chastity, emphasized that homosexual members have access to every blessing of the gospel, and assured us that all the promises that have been made to us will be fulfilled. Overall I really liked his answer, but I feel like his answer was incomplete. He was speaking off the cuff and had time constraints so I can't hold that against him. Still, there are many things I wish had been said that weren't. You can listen to Elder Holland's response here. It starts at 1:13:25.

I am not a church leader and I do not speak for the church. However, I decided to take some time to write out the response that I wish Elder Holland had given. It's in the same spirit as his original response, but I added in some points that I wish he had made. 

Question: Those who encounter same-gender attraction feel alone in the church. They feel scared and they're not sure how they fit into the Lord's kingdom. So if you could meet with them face to face what message would you share with them?

Answer: First of all, our Heavenly Parents love you and I love you. No one should ever feel alone or isolated in this church. Shame on us if we are neglecting anyone in our congregations. Everyone should feel welcomed, loved, and accepted. I would prefer to meet with you face to face in my home while sharing a meal so that you would know that I consider you to be part of my family. I'm here with you, I love you, and I will walk with you on this journey.

I know that it might feel like you don't fit in in a church that so heavily emphasizes the importance of families. Well, you do fit in and we want you in the church. In fact, we need you in the church. We need your talents and abilities. We need your testimony and strength. And we need your dedication and service. We need you to be Sunday School teachers, Elders Quorum presidents, Ward Mission Leaders, home teachers, and missionaries. We need you to serve in the temple. We need you to build Zion. For those of you who have talents in dance and theater we need you to put culture back into our cultural halls. We need someone to dust off those stages and put on great performances like we used to have. Don't give up on us because we need you.

The Lord has been clear in His definition of the law of chastity. This is a matter of chastity. Sexual relations are only permitted between a man and woman who are married. I realize that for many members of the church who experience same-sex attraction this means that you will never get married in this life. My heart breaks for you. I love my wife with all my heart and I would be lost without her. Imagining what my life would be like without my wife helps me to understand why those of you who don't see marriage in your future would feel so lost and isolated. Focus on building and strengthening your relationship with the family you already have. Be a blessing to them. And make your ward family your extended family. Invite them to your home, share a meal with them, and go on outings together. You do not need to feel alone.

I know that some of you ache to have biological children and that such a blessing might not be in your mortal future. Once again, my heart breaks for you, but instead of focusing on what you can't have, make the most of what you do have. If you are in a position to, consider taking in foster children. Children who have been neglected could learn so much from you. If you have the means, help a missionary from a less fortunate family to be able to serve. The truth is that we are all brothers and sisters, we are all one family. Reach out to those around you and serve them as much as you can. Do this and you will find your place in God's family.

Homosexual members who don't get married are often compared to single women who never get married.  These women can just as justifiably ask the same question as someone who is struggling with same-gender attraction and say, "What is there for me? What is the hope for me?" May I make a recommendation? Study the great sermons in the Book of Mormon about the Plan of Salvation and the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Preach My Gospel lists many of these insightful chapters on p. 48. As you study these chapters you will see how essential Christ is to our happiness now and forever. The purpose of life is to take advantage of His atonement and become like Him. Nowhere in the Book of Mormon will you find a verse that says that marriage is essential to happiness, progression, or salvation. That's because a single person, homosexual or heterosexual, can also develop the Christlike attributes of love, charity, humility, patience, virtue, faith, and so many more. The Book of Mormon was written for our day. It was written for you and me. It is divine. If marriage were the only way to be happy then that book would discuss marriage throughout its pages. It doesn't. But it is filled with Jesus Christ. Focus on Him and becoming like Him.

In the church we sometimes treat single women better than we treat single men. For example, a single woman can be hired as a full time Seminary or Institute teacher, but a single man cannot. This is a silly policy that should be changed because a single man can teach just as effectively as a single woman. Also, I worry that some people fear homosexual men. This ought not to be. Any man who serves in this church and keeps his covenants deserves our trust. In the last Women's Session of General Conference a video was shared of an older single woman who wrote letters to a young girl in her ward. The two developed a friendship and had a sweet association together that everyone was comfortable with. Would we be equally touched if a homosexual man formed a friendship with a young boy in the ward and wrote letters to him? I hope so. We have nothing to fear from our brothers who experiences same-sex attraction. We spend a lot of time making sure the single women of the church feel wanted and valued. Perhaps we need to do a better job of reaching out to the single men, too. 

I often hear members say things like, "Sister so-and-so is so faithful and valiant. It's too bad a righteous priesthood holder hasn't snatched her up." While it is not always the case, many of the single women if the church are single because they simply haven't had the opportunity to marry. Oh how I wish that every faithful daughter of God could have a temple marriage with a man she loved. Our gay members are often single by choice and not circumstance. Many of you may not know anything about Elder Christofferson's brother Tom. Tom is gay and was excommunicated from the church many years ago. He was in a relationship with a man he loved for two decades. Tom's partner meant everything to him. After being away from the church for years Tom felt an unexpected prompting to return to church activity which he did. After a few years he desired to be rebaptized and in order to do that he had to end his relationship with the man he loved. Tom made the very painful decision to leave his partner and live as a single man so that he could rejoin the church. While many heterosexual single women are single by circumstance, many gay members are actively choosing to not be with people they love. What a tough decision that would be to make! I hope we will recognize the immense sacrifices that homosexual members are making in order to remain in the church. 

May I offer a recommendation to those of you who don't experience same-sex attraction? Please do not blame your brothers and sisters for their attractions. As it says on mormonsandgays.org, they do not choose to have these attractions. When Job was suffering three of his friends showed up and told him that he was being punished by God for not being righteous. Job responded, "I have heard many such things: miserable comforters are ye all" (Job 16:2). Let's not be "miserable comforters." Let's be the kind of friends who instead of telling someone how to solve their problems, listens and tries to understand. Instead of justifying someone's suffering like Job's friends did, let's make sure all our friends know that we love them and will stand with them through their trials. 

Brothers and sisters, I know that many of you are worried about your futures and wonder how you fit in at church. Let me say this. No one's life works out the way they imagined it would. If you think that your life will be filled with loneliness and isolation you are mistaken. We will be with you every step of the way. We will walk with you. As it says in Doctrine and Covenants 123:17, "...let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power; and then may we stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the salvation of God, and for his arm to be revealed." Do all you can and do it with a cheerful heart and I promise you a life of fulfillment, happiness, and joy.

Okay, this is Ben again. While I loved what Elder Holland said, I wish he had taken a bit more time and said some of the things I wrote here. That's just me, though. He may not even agree with what I wish he had said.

Lindsay and I celebrating her 30th birthday at Disneyland
(many years ago)

 A few days after watching the Face to Face I called my sister Lindsay. She's 34 and single and she's way rad (and if anyone reading this is a straight male with a job who's active in church and does Cross Fit you should totally take her out). I asked her if she thought that she, as an older single woman, and I, as a single gay man, are in the same situation. She answered, "NO! And here's why. I'm a woman and I'm attracted to men. I get to hope that someday I'll meet a man who I can fall in love with and marry. You are a man who is attracted to men and you don't get to have that hope. You don't get to hope that you'll be able to marry someone you're attracted to." She then said, "Oh man, that sounds so rude. I'm sorry." I replied, "Don't worry about it. I realized that about 10 years ago."

I then asked Lindsay if she was happy as a single woman. She explained that she's very happy now, but all the social pressure to marry and seeing her friends get married was really, really hard. It wasn't until she stopped worry about getting married and started focusing on living her life the way that God wants her to live it that she really started to be happy. Lindsay has had some tough years. Despite being beautiful, talented, and successful she hasn't gotten a lot of attention from guys. I don't quite get why. But the last few years she has seemed so happy. Life is going her way. She's a happy, single Mormon woman. And she's an awesome sister.

The same has been true for me. Letting go of the pressure to get married and focusing on becoming like the Savior has made me so happy. My life is good. Like, it's really, really good. And I'm a single, gay Mormon and probably will be for the rest of my life. But I'm not alone. And I'm going to follow the advice the I imagine Elder Holland giving. I'm going to have people over for dinner, I'm going to serve, and I'm going to walk with every gay Mormon who needs me. We're going to walk this road together. There is room for us in this church. In fact, there's room for you on the pew next to me. Let's do this whole church thing together. 

How to Be a Gay Mormon's Hero

After a blog post I wrote back in June an anonymous commenter wrote: "Thank you for a well written post. Your impassioned writing had me.... right up until the very last sentence where you say, '...and create more of a place for me and other gay Mormons in His church.' This commenter then went on to say that we can't expect God to bend His will to our appetites because that's just not part of His plan. The commenter obviously thought that I meant that I was praying for the church to allow gay marriage, but that's not what I was implying at all. I know many gay members who feel like they don't fit in at church and wish they had more of place. Here are some ideas I've had on how we can create more of a place for gay Mormons within the framework of our current doctrine and policies:

1. Allow gay members be honest about their sexuality (if they want to be)

In March 2015 I emailed my stake presidency about starting a support group for gay Mormons in the stake. A few weeks later the stake president called me in for a meeting. At the time I didn't know him very well. We discussed my idea for a little while which I thought was the whole point of the meeting. When we finished talking about the group I wanted to start he shocked me by extending a calling as a member of the stake Sunday School presidency. I was floored, just floored. Part of me wanted to say, "But don't you realize I'm gay? I can't have a stake calling." But I didn't say that and I was ashamed that part of me thought I would never be able to hold such a calling if I was open about my sexual orientation. The whole stake presidency knew I was gay and they didn't care. Being open about being gay was not an issue. That night as I wrote about the event in my journal I cried. I cried because it meant so much to me that they trusted me, an out gay Mormon, to hold a stake calling.

Last month my new bishop called me in to his office and asked me to be the ward mission leader which I accepted. I barely knew my bishop and assumed he knew nothing about me. After chatting for a few minutes he said, "I want you to know that I know about your situation (please see point #6 for a discussion on how Mormons have no idea what to call gay people) and I really admire you." He then praised me for a few minutes and told me how excited he was to work with me. I was going to speak in church that day and I told him I was planning on mentioning being gay in my talk. I asked him if that would be okay. He said, "I don't see why that would be a problem." So at the beginning of sacrament meeting the entire congregation sustained me in my new calling. And then a few minutes later I was standing at the pulpit telling them all that I'm gay. After my talk about a dozen people came up to talk to me. Their comments included words like "brave," "courageous," and "thank you so much for your honesty." I know a lot of gay Mormons and many of them are told by their families and church leaders to keep being gay to themselves and to not tell anyone. To me that seems very unhealthy and it robs of them of the opportunity to be authentic and to be told that they are brave and courageous. That night I cried again as I wrote in my journal. I cried because my entire ward was now aware that I was gay and everyone seemed totally cool with it. I remembered all the fears I had about being rejected for being gay and in that moment I just couldn't understand how I'd managed to be so lucky. Continuing to actively participate in the church while also being honest about my sexuality has made me so happy. I wish more people could have the church experience that I do. 

Also, allowing gay members to be honest will be blessing to people still in the closet. For years I had thought that I was the only gay Mormon. I felt lonely, isolated, and terrified. Having an older, happy, gay Mormon role model would have made life so much easier, but I had no one to look up to. I recently received a message from a good friend that said in part: "I was shocked to read your story and finally see that there was someone that had somewhat similar experiences and wanted to live the gospel. I had prayed for 3 years to be able to talk to someone that could understand exactly how I felt, tell them how I felt, and support what I wanted to do. I really didn't think someone like that existed." There is no need for anyone in the rising generation to feel alone and scared like my friend and I did. So let's allow people to be honest about their sexuality.

2. Get to know a gay Mormon

You might already know someone who is a gay Mormon (me, perhaps?). That's great and good for you for not calling them a heretic or banning them from talking to your children. I hope you make an effort to really get to know them. Have you ever known someone for a long time and then suddenly you have a deep conversation with them and learn loads about them that you never knew before? I experienced that just this past weekend. It's easy to assume that just because we know someone we really know them, but that's often not the case. I first came out to my parents when I was 23. About once a year my dad would say, "So how's that whole 'same-sex attraction' thing going?" I'd say, "Good," and we'd talk about something else. That was the extent of our conversations about my sexuality. It wasn't until I was 30 (seven years later!) that I really spilled my guts to my parents and siblings. It was one of the best things I ever did. They already knew me very well and they knew I was gay, but up until two years ago they really had no idea what I was going through. So get to know a gay Mormon. We're pretty cool and I think you'll like us.

3. Watch what you say

Ever since I started telling people I'm gay I've had the same thing happen to me dozens of times. After learning I'm gay I'll get an email or a text or a Facebook message from a friend apologizing for some rude comment they made in my presence about gays years ago. It usually goes something like this, "Two years ago I made a joke about gay people and you heard it and I had no idea you were gay and I'm so sorry." This happened to me once again two weeks ago. A friend at church pulled me aside and with a look of sincere remorse on his face apologized for something he had said about gays two years before. I said, "I honestly have no recollection of that happening, but thank you for having the courage to apologize. I totally forgive you." He had known I was gay for more than a year and it took him that long to say he was sorry. It had obviously weighed on his conscience for some time. I don't want anyone to have to apologize to their gay friends for things they said in the past so let's avoid the whole situation by just not saying anything rude. 

Even more important than your feelings are the feelings of the closeted gay kids who are suffering in silence. They overhear friends and family making fun of gay people and are terrified of having those same things said about them if they ever come out. The hymn "Lord I Would Follow Thee" sums up exactly why we should watch our words: "In the quiet heart is hidden / Sorrow that the eye can't see" (Hymns #220). Before I came out on my blog there were a number of people that I felt I should tell personally because I didn't want them to find out in a public way. The very last person I told was a friend I've had since I was kid. Shortly after we returned home from our missions I was struggling internally with being gay. He had no idea and he said something that was extremely dismissive of gay people and their feelings. His comment made me think that he wasn't someone I could trust with my secret so I finally came out to him seven years after I started telling people. What messages are you sending with your words? Are you sending the message that you're someone a gay person can trust or are you sending the opposite message? So watch what you say because you don't know which of friends, acquaintances, siblings, or children you are damaging with your words.

 4. Hold a 5th Sunday Lesson on the topic of same-sex attraction

The intersection between being LGBT and Mormon is an important topic right now. And it's one that isn't going to go away because Mormon parents are going to keep having gay children. We need to do a better job of educating ourselves about this topic because it affects so many members of the church. In my experience, most of the time homosexuality is brought up in church it's in the context of same-sex marriage being bad. We can do a better job than we are currently doing in our local congregations to educate ourselves.

Don't worry, this saguaro is a girl (and she's not even
hugging me back)

I'm a single man so you probably wouldn't want to approach me for marital or parenting advice. I mean, I might be able to give you some good advice, but you'd probably be better off asking someone who is married with children (one time I was alone in my brother's van with his three kids for one minute and in those 60 seconds my two year old nephew got his head stuck between the seat and the center console). Similarly, it would be best to have a lesson about Mormonism and same-sex attraction taught by someone who experiences same-sex attraction or a family member of someone who does. I would be thrilled if a church leader asked me to teach such a lesson and, let me toot my own horn for a moment, it would be the most uplifting and inspiring 5th Sunday lesson you would have ever attended. Instead of watching the clock wishing for church to be over, people would be so engaged that they would wish the lesson could last longer. I'd happily teach a 5th Sunday lesson in any congregation that would have me that's within driving distance of Tucson. I have now spoken at two LDS Institutes of Religion about being gay and Mormon and they were some of the most uplifting experiences of my life. In both instances we didn't have time to address all the questions people had and I spent a good chuck of time after talking with people who wanted to learn more. Mormons want to have these conversations at church so let's take some time and do it.

5. Leave the judging to the judges

If you want to be a member of the church there are certain standards you're required to live. To be a temple recommend holding member of the church is not easy and there are many people who attend our congregations who do not live those standards. Do we shun them and ask them to leave? Of course not! We just love them for who they are and rejoice that they are trying to be better just like we all are. It is not our business what anyone else's standing in the church is. We don't cast the first stone, we just love them and walk with them.

However, we have bishops and stake presidents who are called as Judges in Israel who are required to maintain the boundaries of the church. They have the unenviable job of administering church discipline when someone's conduct is not consistent with the teachings of the church. When someone does need to be disciplined for not keeping church standards Doctrine and Covenants 121:43 tells us exactly what to do: "Reproving betimes with sharpness, when moved upon by the Holy Ghost; and then showing forth afterwards an increase of love toward him whom thou hast reproved..." Showing an "increase of love" naturally presupposes that you were already showing love. If you're a Judge in Israel then you are called to uphold the doctrines of the church and you are also called to do a lot of loving.

I was recently chatting with a friend of mine who lives far from Tucson. He is in a same-sex relationship and hasn't been to church for some time. He told me that he's been feeling a pull to go to church again. I said, "In Mormonism we call that a 'prompting.'" He told me that he would have to be honest with everyone about how he's living his life and he was worried that people wouldn't treat him well at church. I told him that I thought his congregation needed him and he needed them and that I hoped he would return. And I especially hope that instead of casting stones at my friend for not living all the standards of the church, they would embrace him and welcome him back. So let's show the same-sex couples in our congregations that we take the Savior at His words and show an increase of love towards them. And let's leave the judging to the judges.

6. Let gay members choose how to define themselves

When I first started coming out there was no way I would have labeled myself as gay. At first I said that I "struggled with same-sex attraction." Saying that sounded awkward so I would sometimes say things like "my baggage" or "my issue" (which are also awkward). After a few years I finally just started calling myself gay and that feels comfortable and good to me. Twice when I've told bishops I was gay they said, "You're not gay, you have same-gender attraction." For some reason in the church we equate the term "gay" with "living the gay lifestyle," but we don't do that with the term "straight." If you overheard a 17 year old boy at church say he was straight would you say, "Now, Tommy, you're not straight, you have opposite-gender attraction." Doing that would be pretty absurd, right? Well, I've been told multiple times that I shouldn't call myself gay. To me, being gay isn't about my behavior, it's about the deep desire I feel to have a relationship and connection with another man. And just to further justify why it's okay to say I'm gay, the church has an official website called mormonsandgays.org and in a press conference in January 2015 two apostles used the term "LGBT" and the G in that acronym mostly certainly means gay. So if someone wants to say they have same-sex attraction or SSA, let them define themselves that way. And if someone wants to define themselves as gay, let them self-identify in that way too. I choose to identify myself as gay, but the identity that I feel most strongly is as a child of God (I know, super-cheesy, but also very true).

7. Be a hero

In each of the blog posts I've written about being gay and Mormon over the last 13 months I've always included one of my heroes. In my posts I purposefully highlight straight people who, in my opinion, have done things the right way.  I do this so that anyone reading my posts will have an example of how to be a friend to the gay people in their lives. I have many heroes like my parents, Mitch, Craig, Dianna, LeAnne, Hyrum, and my bishop and stake president. Be like them. Be a hero. Create a safe space for gay Mormons in your congregation. 

Is Being Gay a Weakness? A Gay Mormon's Perspective

Is being gay a weakness? This is a question that I have pondered many times.  If you had asked 21 year old me this question I would have most definitely said that being gay was a weakness. It just seemed so obvious and simple to me at the time. Homosexuality didn't fit into the Plan of Salvation so there was clearly a way to fix it.  And as a young gay Mormon I knew just how to cure it.  Christ's words in the Book of Mormon were crystal clear:

"And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them." (Ether 12:27).

The formula was simple: come unto the Savior, be humble, and have faith. If I did those things then weak things would become strong things. To me this meant that my weakness of being gay would be transformed into the strength of being straight. Not only did I believe that this would happen, but I was certain it would. So I got to work on the "weakness to strength" formula and set goals to never miss church, to pray every day, to read the scriptures every day, to never do homework on Sunday, to attend the temple weekly, to keep a journal, and, of course, to go on a date at least once a week. Naturally I coupled these goals with countless prayers and numerous fasts to be straight.

I was really good at keeping my goals and I still have some of those same goals. When I was 22 I very briefly dated this girl who I got along really well with and I was like, "Okay, Heavenly Father, I'm ready for this whole weakness to strength formula to pan out so I can be straight." But that didn't happen. Then right before I turned 24 I started dating a girl who was super rad. I started to pray, "Alright, God, you don't need to make me straight, please just make me bisexual so I can be attracted to this girl who really seems to like me." But that didn't happen.  And then when I was 26 I started dating this super witty girl who was just a blast to be around. This time I prayed, "Heavenly Father, I don't care if you leave me gay and I don't care if I'm not attracted to women, but please, please let me be attracted to just one woman."  But that's not what happened.

Sometimes I got mad. Sometimes I got discouraged. Sometimes I felt confused. But as time passed I mostly started to get scared. I was terrified that the formula wasn't going to work and I'd be left "separately and singly" (D&C 132:17) for the rest of my life. But that's not what happened either.

Every post should have a picture, so here's me
hanging out with a cactus

The last year of my life has been one of my happiest and I'm certain it's because at the very beginning of 2015 I stopped hiding and came out on my blog. It's nice to not have to lie any more. Like, really, really incredibly nice. It's great to just accept that I'm gay and to tell the truth. And while I'm open about being gay, I'm also still Mormon and I continue to live in that space, too. I plan to always be part of my Mormon community and that's why I keep the standards of that community. So while I may not be living "the gay lifestyle" as people sometimes awkwardly refer to their friends and family in same-sex relationships, I feel like I'm finally living my life as a gay person. There's something strangely satisfying about arguing with my friends over who the cutest actor is on Jane the Virgin.

So what does all this have to do with my original question? When I was 21 I fundamentally misunderstood what the Lord was saying in Ether 12:27. In verse 23 Moroni tells the Lord that he's worried that people "will mock these things because of our weakness in writing..." Apparently both Moroni and the other Nephites were great speakers, but awful writers. He viewed his poor writing as a weakness and the Lord comforted him with the words He spoke in verse 27. In essence He says, "Don't worry. You be humble, you follow me, just have faith and I'll take care of this." The verses following verse 27 contain an excellent discussion on faith, hope, and charity. Why are these three virtues discussed in this context? Because they are the strengths that really matter.  

As I have studied and pondered Ether 12 it seems to me that Moroni thought that his poor writing skills would diminish the power of his words, that even though he had been commanded to write that his words would fall on deaf ears (blind eyes?). And then he appears to be trying to convince himself that his ability isn't what matters, that he can do the work he is commanded to do if he has faith, hope, and charity. Was Moroni's weakness really his writing? I don't think so. If it was then there would be some indication that he became a great writer. I believe that his weakness was not trusting in God and not having charity towards the future readers of his words. In verse 37 the Lord tells Moroni, "And because thou hast seen thy weakness thou shalt be made strong, even unto the sitting down in the place which I have prepared in the mansions of my Father."

Moroni and the Nephites did not become great writers. I'm sure it would be quite simple to find someone who thinks reading the Book of Mormon boring (Mark Twain described it as "chloroform in print"), but there are thousands of people, myself included, who have been uplifted, inspired, and transformed by its message.

Following the formula in Ether 12:27 didn't make it straight, but it did teach me a lot about faith, hope, and charity, attributes that I still need to develop. I had worried that being a gay Mormon would give me a life of loneliness and solitude, but since I started being honest with myself and others the exact opposite has happened. 

I recently started attending a new ward. I was asked to speak two Sundays ago and in my talk I mentioned being gay. Later that day I received an email from someone in my ward who I had never spoken to before. It said in part, "I am glad to see your optimism, and your testimony has helped strengthen mine. You will not be forgotten if you stop coming to church. I will miss your presence. If you ever need to talk or hang out or just grab dinner, you are always invited into our home." He then gave me his number and attached a picture of him and his wife so I'd know who they were. I was deeply touched by this Christlike gesture. To have a near stranger reach out to me, pledge his support and assistance, and invite me into his home to break bread with him felt like exactly what the Savior would have done if He had been in the congregation listening to my talk. We need more people like him (and more people like Him). I took him up on the dinner invitation and he and his wife are just delightful. 

When I told this story to Phil and Danielle, Phil jokingly said, "I wish I was gay so people would invite me over for dinner." It's crazy how being open about being gay has deepened my relationships with my family, expanded my relationships with my friends, and enlarged the number of amazing people in my life.  If you had told all this to 21 year old Ben he would have thought you were nuts. I couldn't believe it when I realized that this thing that I had hated about myself had ended up being a force for good in my life.

So is being gay a weakness? I sure used to think it was, but I don't see it that way anymore. In fact, it has become one of my strengthens. I thought becoming strong meant becoming straight, but I was very mistaken. Being strong, I have learned, is synonymous with being faithful, humble, and charitable and being weak is simply the opposite. 

A Line in the Sand

On Thursday, November 5th I drove to California to visit my friends Ian and Amy.  It had been more than a year since I'd seen them so while we ate dinner and caught up on our lives I ignored my phone buzzing in my pocket.  When I finally pulled it out I had a few messages from friends in Tucson saying that the Mormon internet was exploding with news of new policy from the church.  I had no idea what they were talking about.  After some more chatting with Ian and Amy and playing with their kids for a bit I got online to see what was up.  When I read that a new policy stated that entering into a same-gender marriage was now considered apostasy I was stunned.  Most of the reactions I saw online were either anger and betrayal or simply disbelief or confusion.  Since the announcement hadn't come directly from the church a lot of people thought it was a hoax or misinformation.  I fell into that camp and decided to wait for official word from the church.  

Even though I've known Ian and Amy for years I only came out to them last year via email.  We hadn't seen each other since then so we spent some time talking about my experiences as a gay Mormon and what that has meant for me.  We also discussed the new policy at length.  When the interview with Elder Christofferson was posted I watched it alone with anxious anticipation.  I was hoping that he would repudiate the policy, apologize for the misinformation, and talk about how awesome his gay brother Tom is.  But instead he justified and explained the policy.  I felt sick.  Ian hadn't watched the interview yet and he asked me what I thought.  I just responded with my gut reaction, "I didn't care for it."

My initial thought after watching the interview was, "I don't want to do this anymore.  I just want to be dead."  The Brethren drew a very clear line in the sand which only leaves two options for me as a gay man if I want to stay in the church: marry a woman or stay single for the rest of my life.  Both of those options sounded terrible and at the moment I didn't feel like trying.  I should also say that at no point was I suicidal, I just felt extremely discouraged.

You see, deep down I want to be an apostate.  And by saying that I don't mean that I want to turn away from the truth, but that I really, really want to be in a committed relationship with a man that I love.  In fact, I want that so bad that it's the second most thing I want in this life.  The only thing that trumps it is my desire to do God's will.  And that's where the desiring death comes in.  If I want to stay in the church I can't have a committed relationship to a man.  Not only is it considered a sin, but it's a sin so bad that I'd be considered an apostate.  This was perplexing to me because I'm human and I know what it's like to feel sorrow when I sin, to want to repent, and the joy that comes when I feel I've become a better person.  But there was a time when I really fell for a guy.  And not just a crush, but like really, really loved another man and loving him didn't feel like a sin to me.  In fact, it felt really awesome.

Two years ago I totally fell for my best friend and he fell for me even more. He was smarter, funnier, and cuter than me. We would talk for hours on end and I just always wanted to be with him. My journal is riddled with entries where I express how happy I was to have him in my life. I was baffled that someone so handsome and cool was interested me. And what was even crazier was that he felt the same way about me. He felt like I was getting the raw end of the deal and that he was the lucky one. I was completely committed to keeping the commandments and especially committed to keeping the covenants I had made with God. I thought that my best friend and I could share our lives and have a platonic friendship. I naively thought that we could make that work. One day he asked if I'd be his boyfriend and even though I yearned to say yes I said no. A few weeks later he asked me again and with more pain than before I again told him no. A little more time passed and he once again asked if I'd be his boyfriend and even though I loved him more than any of the girls I had dated and I wanted very much to say yes, I told him no. He told me that he didn't want to be someone's Abrahamic sacrifice. He didn't want to be the sacrifice that someone made to show God how faithful he could be. And yet that is what my best friend had become to me, the thing I was willing to sacrifice for God. Since we couldn't have a real relationship he said that we needed to part ways and we did. Losing him from my life was one of the most painful things that has ever happened to me because I really loved him and wanted to date him, but I knew I couldn't. My heart told me one thing and my church told me another. I had to choose and I chose my church.

On Valentine's Day 2009 I took "The Sound of Music" tour by
myself in Salzburg, Austria (I know, such a super gay thing to
do).  This is me in front of the famous gazebo wondering,
"Where's my significant other?"

The story I just told is incredibly reductive.  There's no way I could do justice to one of the most important and formative experiences of my life in a paragraph.  But I tell that very simplified story so that people will see that to me it didn't feel like a sin to love another man.  It felt wonderful and good.  All those cheesy movies and love songs suddenly made sense to me even though they hadn't for the first 29 years of my life (I know, such a cliché thing to say, but it's true).  And I was willing to give it all away to do what I felt to be God's will.  The memories of this time flooded into my mind after I listened to Elder Christofferson's interview.   I realized that if I wanted to stay in this church and hope for the eternal life and future that it promises, that I wasn't allowed to hope for this thing that I wanted so bad.  And knowing that I wasn't allowed to hope for that made me think that I'd be better off dead.

I woke up the next morning to a text message from a friend in Utah expressing her love for me and telling me how much she wished that we lived close to each other so she could see me regularly.  She wrote in part, "What a great blessing that would be to me to have such a good friend in my life.  You're the best."  Over the next 24 hours I got Facebook messages, emails, texts, and phone calls from dozens of people asking how I was doing, expressing love for me, and telling me how much I meant to them.  All these messages reminded me of how great my life is and the desire for the grave I had felt the previous night left and shows no sign of returning.  The visceral response I initially had went away as I saw and felt all the love and empathy that exists in my community.  And the future looked bright and happy again. 

That day I spent a lot of time with Ian, Amy, and their kids.  Their three year old constantly tried to get my attention by asking me silly questions like if I'd like to eat a whale.  Then he'd yell, "Look at my sock!" and I'd look.  Then he'd yell, "Look at my other sock!" and I'd look again.  It was pretty adorable.  Amy told me how much she hoped I'd get a job in California so I could live close to them.  Ian said, "I know you haven't left yet, but when are you going to come back?"  Amy then suggested that I visit twice a year and Ian offered that I visit at least once a quarter.  It was hard to be annoyed or angry at a policy when so many wonderful people were telling me how much they wanted me in their lives. 

Over the weekend both Ian and Amy expressed a lot of empathy for the choice I have to make between being part of the church and marrying a man I love.  During one of our conversations Amy said, "If the church brought back polygamy I just couldn't do it.  I don't think I could live like that."  I've heard a lot women in the church say similar things, that polygamy is a deal breaker for them.  They would refuse to participate in it.  However, I think they're looking at things a little too simplistically.  I think that most of them, if they felt they were being commanded by God to do, would do it.  They would weep, they would struggle, they would get mad at God, but they would obey trusting that their Heavenly Father knows best.  Some would leave, of course, but I think many would have their hearts broken and would remain in the church that they believe is true.  And this scenario isn't too crazy.  The doctrine of plural marriage still exists in our scriptures and could theoretically be reinstated any day. 

I feel like I'm being asked to live polygamy.  Now obviously I haven't been asked to have multiple wives (and thank goodness for that!), but just like the men and women of 19th century Mormonism, I have made decisions relating to marriage that have broken my heart because I believe the tenets of my religion.  I'm sure that many of the men and women who entered into polygamous marriages because of their faith in "the principle" as they called it would have preferred to be in monogamous relationships.  And there are gay members of the church who would prefer to marry someone of their same gender, but who remain single and celibate because of "the policy."  If you want to have a little taste of the choices we gay members of the church have to make, take some time to imagine how you would respond if you were asked to participate in a plural marriage. 

Is it fair that my religion requires so much of its members?  That's for each individual to decide.  Those who don't believe would say that I'm being foolish.  I have felt pitied by those not of my faith for the choice that I make to stay single.  But if I entered into a same-sex marriage my church would condemn me.  Elder Perry would have described the love I'd have for my husband as "counterfeit love."  I have heard rational people say to me, "Stop living your life according to the rules of your homophobic church.  Just be yourself."  And I have heard others say, "Just follow the prophet, he knows the way."  But it's not that simple.  There are two things I want and I can't have them both.  So I pray and I fast and I read and I ponder and I serve and I try to figure out what God wants me to do.  And I feel called to live my life the way that I am living it. 

I simply ask that you don't pity those of us who decide to be celibate and stay in the church.  We're simply doing what we feel is right.  I ask that you don't condemn the gay members who choose to leave.  I have many friends in that situation and I know that they are simply doing what they feel is right.  We all turn away from the truth when we sin which technically makes all of us apostates.  As President Uchtdorf has said, "Don't judge me because I sin differently than you do."  Especially if that sin is being in a committed relationship with someone that they love.

I wrote a blog post in June in which I described a lot of the loneliness I've felt.  That was true for me back then, but the last five months have been incredible, easily one of the happiest times in my life and I have rarely felt lonely.  I could go on and on about all the great things I do that bring me meaning and happiness, but the things that have been the most meaningful to me are the outreach I'm doing in my area.  I now hold a regular support group for gay Mormons.  A friend and I started Ally Night where we talk to straight members of the church, share our stories, answer their questions, and try to expand the empathy and compassion they feel for gay members.  And I had the singular privilege of addressing a group at the Tucson LDS Institute for fifty minutes about my experiences as a gay Mormon.  I feel like that is one of the most important things I've ever done.

The Brethren have drawn a line in the sand and I have chosen my side.  I'm committed to doing all I can to making my side of the line the happiest and healthiest place it can be.  And to those of you who have chosen the other side of the line, know that I love you and respect you.  I do not condemn you.  In fact, I often envy you.  I just ask that you don't pity me because I am happy on my side of the line. 

We Mormons talk about our pioneer heritage a lot.  We're proud of those people who left homes and families to establish their Zion in the west.  They were required to sacrifice a great deal for their faith.  For many, that sacrifice included being in polygamous marital relationships that tested their faith and broke their hearts.  I feel like what is being asked of me isn't all that different and I'm happy to sacrifice for what I believe is the truth. 

I'm going to end this post by being a little too cheesy and quoting a primary song that encapsulates how I'm trying to live my life.

You don't have to push a handcart,

Leave your fam'ly dear,

Or walk a thousand miles or more

To be a pioneer!

You do need to have great courage,

Faith to conquer fear,

And work with might for a cause that's right

To be a pioneer!