The Conversation I Wish We Were Having

I spent the last week in Cincinnati grading Spanish AP tests. My week was spent hanging out with friends, exploring the city, endlessly grading papers, and watching people cast figurative stones on the internet.

On an evening stroll in downtown Cincinnati

I wasn’t on social media much this past week, but when I did get on I saw the same video pop up again and again of a 12-year-old girl who came out to her ward by reading some prepared remarks during testimony meeting. A priesthood leader asked Savannah to sit down before she finished her testimony. This video has been extremely polarizing. I’ve seen people casting stones at the leader for not allowing Savannah to be her authentic, courageous self. And I’ve seen people casting stones at Savannah and her parents for doing something that they feel was inappropriate. The media reported on the story largely painting the church in a bad light while Fair Mormon posted an article highlighting everything Savannah did wrong.

I’m not at all interested in debating the rightness or wrongness of what happened in that meeting here. The finger pointing, the blaming, and the stone throwing are unproductive. Blaming is easy. Pulling people down is easy. Finding fault is easy. Let’s be better than that. I wish that instead of all the blame, that as a faith community we could discuss the heart of the issue. Consider the following questions:

Why would a church member who experiences same-sex attraction want to share that information with their ward family?

Can a ward benefit if a member comes out to them? 

What is the appropriate way for a gay person to come out to their ward?

How should ward members respond when members publicly disclose feelings of same-sex attraction?

I’d like to share three stories about how I came out to three different wards. I don’t offer these as examples or templates, but they can illustrate how things can go right.  

Elders Quorum

When I was 30 I posted my coming out post on my blog. A few days later I was teaching Elders Quorum in my singles ward. When I began the lesson I had no intention of telling my quorum that I was gay, but I felt prompted to say something so I did. I awkwardly blurted out “I’m gay” towards the end of the lesson without much build up. The unexpected way those words came out must’ve been jarring for some people in the room. I shared a few stories, ended the lesson and sat down. I remember feeling the comforting presence of the HoIy Ghost as I bore my testimony at the end of the lesson and contemplated what had just happened as I sat in my chair. I was recently talking to one of the bishopric members who was present at that lesson. He said that what he remembered most was watching me sit down. He said, “You looked lighter and more relaxed. You looked so relieved. It was evident in your body language that you felt a burden had been taken off your shoulders.” He is exactly right. That’s how I felt. I had been lying to people and hiding an important part of my life story from my quorum and it was such a relief to just be honest and not have to hid anymore.  

Spanish Branch

Not long after this lesson I turned 31 meaning that I graduated from the singles ward without honors. I started attending a local Spanish branch and retreated back into the closet. It was awful. Members of the branch couldn’t understand why I was single and when they tried to set me up with their cousins, nieces, and friends I would always say I was too busy with school to date. I hated lying to them, but I didn’t feel comfortable telling them the truth.

That June same-sex marriages became legal nationwide and each LDS congregation was asked to spend the third hour of a meeting in July reviewing some materials about marriage sent from church headquarters. I had been home visiting my parents the first week in July and had had that lesson with my parents in their ward. The next week I was back in Tucson and they had chosen that week for the marriage lesson. I almost went home after Sacrament meeting because I didn’t feel like having that lesson again, but I stayed anyway. As I walked into the Relief Society room I said a fervent, silent prayer. I told Heavenly Father that I wasn’t going to make any comments, but that if He wanted me to say anything He’d have to make it very clear.

About halfway through the meeting the Branch President asked if there were any comments and without even realizing it my hand shot up in the air. I said, “This might be sharing too much information, but there are a lot of gay members of the church who want to keep the commandments and stay active and I’m one of them.” I then talked about the need to love everyone and how the love and acceptance of family and friends had helped me to stay active. Earlier in the meeting we had talked about “the gays” as if they were some group apart from us Mormons, but after my comment the tone shifted. I wrote the following in my journal: “The rest of the meeting was great. The overarching theme was loving everyone as the Savior would. The Branch President mentioned through tears that his daughter is a lesbian and has left the church. He pointed to me and said that he loves me and he loves us all. It was very touching and I just felt enveloped by love. These people who I barely know felt like my family.”

Tucson Temple open house

I remember in that meeting we sang Families Can Be Together Forever. I didn’t always feel like I fit in in the Spanish branch, but as we sang that song the Spirit spoke to my heart and told me that they were my family. Two weeks ago I was volunteering as an usher at the Tucson Temple open house and a number of people from my old branch came through. They greeted me as enthusiastically as a person could be greeted and I got handshakes and hugs from people I hadn’t seen in quite some time. They know I’m gay and they are still my family.

Campbell Ward

Towards the end of 2015 I started attending an English-speaking family ward. In January 2016 I was asked to give a talk about the purpose of the church. Before the meeting I was speaking with the bishop who barely knew me at the time. I asked him if I could mention that I was gay in my talk. He said he didn’t see why that would be a problem. In the talk I shared how difficult it has been at times to stay in the church as someone who experiences same-sex attraction. I shared the story of Kevin and Allison’s sealing and how that experience encouraged me to stay. I wrote the following about that talk in my journal: “After the meeting about a dozen people thanked me for my courage and commitment. I was grateful to be so well-received. After church Hyrum Allen sent me an email. I’d never talked to him before, but he told me that he and his wife will be there for me whether or not I stay in the church. He also invited me over to dinner. I feel like that’s what Jesus would do. It feels so good to be open with everyone.”

The year and a half since I came out to my whole ward have been awesome. The Campbell Ward has become my spiritual home and the people there have become my family. It feels incredibly freeing to be open and honest with everyone. I don’t mention being gay all the time because I don’t want that to be my thing. There are other important parts of me (like my penchant for dad jokes and puns). I do, however, often mention being gay in lessons or when I bear my testimony if it’s relevant to my spiritual journey, which it often is. And I have felt no pushback from ward members for being so open, only love and gratitude.

Looking Forward

In Mosiah 18 the prophet Alma explains that when we are baptized we covenant to bear one another’s burdens. Keeping this covenant, I feel, is essential if we want to become like the Savior. But how can we bear one another’s burdens if we don’t know what they are? Verses 21 and 22 explain, “And he commanded them that there should be no contention one with another, but that they should look forward with one eye, having one faith and one baptism, having their hearts knit together in unity and in love one towards another. And thus he commanded them to preach. And thus they became the children of God.”

I think these verses are just beautiful and they speak to the kind of community that I want to help build. A community where our hearts are knit together and where we can become something divine together. I have sensed a lot of anger related to this video of Savannah’s testimony and I validate those feelings. I also felt angry reading comments where people with different viewpoints were quite unkind to each other. We can use this anger to tear others down or we can channel it into productive energy to build something better. And so I invite you once again to consider these questions:

Why would a church member who experiences same-sex attraction want to share that information with their ward family?

Can a ward benefit if a member comes out to them?

What is the appropriate way for a gay person to come out to their ward?

How should ward members respond when members publicly disclose feelings of same-sex attraction?

I am 100% in favor of gay members being open with their wards if they want to be. I know from personal experience how healing it can be. I have experienced an increased measure of love, acceptance, and wholeness as I have been honest with the people in my congregations. I wish that everyone could experience those same feelings. So let's talk about how we can make that happen. 

Coming Out to Church Leaders

When I first came out to Mitch and Craig in August of 2007 they recommended that I talk to my bishop about my feelings of same-sex attraction. I agreed that that was a good idea, but since I was moving in a few weeks I decided to wait until I was in my new ward. It took me three months to get up the courage to make an appointment to meet with the bishop. When I called the executive secretary to make the appointment he didn’t ask what the visit was about, only if I’d like 15 minutes or 30 minutes. I didn’t know what to expect so I said 30.

I recently reread my journal entry from the day I came out to my bishop and I was nervous all day. I was petrified because I didn’t know what he would say. When I arrived we made some brief small talk and then he asked me what I wanted to talk about. Unable to look him in the eye I stared at the floor as I told him I was attracted to men. He was extremely kind and validating. He asked me a little about my experiences, assured me I could serve in the church like anyone else, told me that he was still learning about this issue, and that was about it. We talked about my being gay for around 5 minutes and then shot the breeze for another 15. I left early feeling both relieved and confused that it hadn’t been a bigger deal. Part of me expected him to give me a priesthood blessing that would cure me or at least some sage advice that would reshape how I viewed the world, but he mostly just told me that as long as I kept my covenants I could continue serving in the church.

Stock photo from lds.org. Not a picture of me.

I’ve come out to a number of bishops since then. They typically ask me if I’m living the law of chastity, tell me they love me, and that’s about it. Many of them have also encouraged me to continue dating women and one bishop even set me up on a blind date with his daughter right after I came out to him (I was confused by his timing). Another bishop recommended that a date a lesbian in the ward (once again, quite confusing). After explaining why I thought that was an awful idea he said, “Yeah, that might not work out too well.” Even though none of them has ever said anything that was particularly helpful or insightful, all of my interactions with my bishops regarding being gay have been extremely positive. My current bishop even gave me permission to come out to the ward in a talk and I’m so grateful that he didn't hesitate to allow me to do that.

Unfortunately I’ve met way too many people who have had negative experiences coming out to their church leaders. One of my friends told me that when she told her bishop she was gay his first response, “No, you’re not gay.” Too often the conversation focuses on which terms are and aren’t appropriate to use as labels instead of assessing the gay person’s emotional and spiritual needs. I hear stories like this a lot, of bishops being very invalidating of the gay Mormon experience. I’ve heard a number people say, “My bishop just doesn’t get it,” after coming out to him. Often bishops do a lot of telling instead of listening and learning.

I’ll be moving to Utah at the end of the summer and I'll be telling my new bishop that I’m gay. I’ve thought a lot about what I would say if he says, “No, you’re not gay,” when I come out to him. So here’s what I would do. I would tell the bishop to go to ministering.lds.org and have him click on the “Same-Sex Attraction” tab under “Ministering Resources”. This is an official site of the church and you need an lds.org login and a leadership calling to access it. I would then have him read through the first five paragraphs of that section together with me. Among other things these paragraphs explain that labels mean different things to different people and that it’s okay to identify as gay or lesbian. There are also little gems like this: “The most important thing you can do after a member discloses feelings of same-sex attraction is to listen and help them feel welcome.”

I’d then ask my bishop to scroll down to the next section which is titled “Understand the Situation.” Unfortunately you need to click “expand all” to see all the content. In this section there are some suggested questions listed to better help the leader understand the situation. I would then invite my bishop to ask me each of those questions:

• Will you please tell me more about your experience? What is this like for you?
• How have these feelings affected your life? How have they affected the lives of your friends and family?
• How can I help you?
• Would you like us to meet regularly to discuss this?
• Labels have different meanings for different people. What does the word gay (or lesbian, bisexual, SSA, and so on) mean to you?

Considering these questions will open the doors to what would hopefully be a fruitful discussion and would avoid my having to listen to ill-informed advice. And if I was feeling particularly bold I would have him scroll down to the section titled "Use Ward and Stake Resources." I'd point out the second bullet point in that section that says: "Consider discussing the issue in ward council or in a fifth Sunday lesson." Then I'd offer to help him teach that lesson and tell him that I've already done lessons on same-sex attraction in other wards. It's important that church leaders learn how to appropriately respond when church members come out to them. When I first came out to my bishop I was extremely vulnerable. It was one of the most vulnerable and fragile moments of my life. I would have been crushed if my bishop had invalidated my experiences instead of responding with love and concern. From the stories I hear there are still many leaders who do not know who to appropriately respond when someone comes out to them. Thankfully the church has a resource to help them know what to do. If I encounter an oblivious bishop I will simply direct him to that resource so that he can learn with me.

The Time I Kissed a Girl

When I talk to straight Mormons about my experiences as a gay Mormon they often try to find experiences in their lives that parallel mine. I think this is a natural way to try to understand, but frequently their “parallels” are nothing like my experiences. For example, a few days ago I said that I kissed a girl and I didn’t like it and one woman immediately said, “My first kiss was terrible, too.” She said this in a way that felt invalidating to my experience. This conversation prompted me to write out the story of my first kiss. I hope that you’ll try and put yourself in my shoes and in Emma’s shoes and imagine what it would have been like for you to go through these experiences.

I met Emma in the Salt Lake airport as we were both traveling home from BYU for Christmas. She and I clicked instantly and when we returned to BYU I took her on a few dates. Our third or fourth date was going to be a double date with two of my close friends who knew I was gay. This was January 2008 and I had only started coming out to people four months before so only a handful of people even knew about my sexuality. But it felt unfair that the girl I was trying to date would be the only person in the room who didn’t know that I was attracted to men. So a few days before the date I mustered the courage to tell her.

I just reread my journal entry about coming out to her and, oh wow, I can be really weird sometimes. Here’s part of what I wrote: “I told Emma today about my SSA. She seems to be interested in me and I’m interested in her and I thought she should know. I didn’t know where we should talk about it so I picked her up after work and we drove to the temple parking lot. As we were driving by the MTC she asked where we were going and I said that we were going to EFO (express feelings openly) which is different than DTR (defining the relationship).” Obviously 23-year-old me was quite the smooth talker.

Her first response after I came out to her was, “That sucks,” said as a statement of fact. She was really understanding and gave me the opportunity to open up about my experiences. She told me that she was willing to give us a try and I said that I was, too, but that I wanted to take things slowly. And so began my first real relationship.

We continued going on dates and one night when we were talking on the phone and I asked her if we were dating (like I said, I was a smooth talker. Smooth as jazz.) and she said yes, but that we weren’t boyfriend/girlfriend because you have to hold hands to get that title. You have to understand that for a 23-year-old Mormon boy it was of utmost importance to me to find a wife and at this point in my life I had never even had a girlfriend. I decided to seal the deal the next day by holding her hand while we were walking to campus. As we walked I asked if I could hold her hand (because you gotta get consent first), but she told me I shouldn’t because I wasn’t attracted to her. I responded that I was working on that and that I did want to hold her hand. In retrospect that was mostly true. It wasn’t so much that I wanted to hold her hand, but that I wanted her to be my girlfriend.

So we interdigitated. And it was awkward. I was glad when we arrived at our destination and I didn’t have to hold her hand anymore. That night we watched a movie at my apartment and held hands again. I wrote my feelings in my journal: “I’m not quite sure how I feel. I love Emma as a person, but I’m just not that attracted to her. I’m going to keep moving forward in the hope that I will develop more feelings for her. I really don’t want to hurt her.” Holding hands got less uncomfortable, but it never felt quite right to me.

A week later we were watching another movie (randomly the first three movies we watched together all had Michelle Pfeiffer in them) and I held her hand again. Halfway through the movie I didn’t want to hold her hand any more, but I felt like I was now trapped for the whole movie. So I got up to use the bathroom even though I didn’t have to go and folded my arms when I sat back down. That night I wrote in my journal: “I got really frustrated with myself. Here’s a girl who is perfect for me and I don’t find her attractive. I don’t know what to do.”

More than a month passed and I still hadn’t kissed her. I’d never kissed anyone and neither had she and she was beginning to get understandably impatient. I knew I was supposed to kiss her, but I just couldn’t get up the courage to do it. One night we went to a BYU men’s volleyball game together and I thought it would be such a great story if I kissed her in the bleachers while we were watching the game. I imagined quickly stealing a kiss and then the whole crowd would cheer and it’d be awesome. She’d love my assertiveness and it’d be a great story to tell our kids, but then there was that whole lack of courage thing going on.

I took her home after the game and went back to my apartment feeling so mad at myself for not being able to kiss her. I stewed for a few minutes then grabbed my backpack and went back to her house. She was surprised and happy to see me. The two of us sat on her couch together and studied for a bit. We also talked about kissing and what it meant and she assured me that it wasn’t a big deal. I knew that I needed to stop being afraid and that I couldn’t leave without kissing her. When I stood up to leave she stood up as well and we shared a brief, tender kiss. As I pulled away I looked into her eyes and smiled. I then turned around to grab my backpack and the smile faded from my face and with my head turned from her I let my real emotions show on my face. I started shaking as I grabbed my backpack. As I turned to face her I put a fake smile back on my face and tried to control the shaking so she wouldn’t notice the discomfort I was feeling. I gave her a hug and left her house.

As soon as the door shut I started running to my car. As I ran I said to myself out loud, “What have I done? What have I done? What have I done?” I sat in my car and felt like garbage. I felt like I had just lied to her. That I had expressed something that I didn’t really feel. When I got home I told my roommates I had kissed her and they were all excited and I feigned excitement as well. The next day I was back at Emma’s house talking to her roommates before she got home. They told me that they had heard all about the kiss and how magical it was from Emma. They were so giddy about it, but the thought that kept running through my brain was, “She and I did not experience the same thing.”

I kissed Emma a few more times hoping I’d like it more, but I didn’t. Not long after our first kiss I got the flu and was grateful I had an excuse to not kiss her. And then not long after that she broke up with me. I was pretty upset and very hurt. I loved having her in my life and losing that relationship was painful. I had told her I loved her and that was true, but one of my first thoughts after she dumped me was to hope that she’d be single for a long time so she’d regret breaking up with me. How’s that for love, huh? When you love someone, you don’t hope that they’ll be filled with regret, but that’s what I hoped for. At the time I didn’t realize how selfish I was being.

Loving a woman as a gay man is complicated. A month after Emma broke up with me I moved to Mexico for a summer internship. During the trip my hair gel exploded in my bag covering my journal and rendering some other books in my bag unsalvageable. When I saw my journal covered in goo my first thought was, “Oh no! Emma!” All of my memories of her were written in that book and I was terrified of losing the record of a relationship that had meant so much to me. I was so relieved when I realized that, though damaged, the journal was still readable. I missed her terribly. I missed having her in my life. She had become my best friend. However, the relationship was problematic because I loved spending time with her, but the pressure to show physical affection made me so uncomfortable.

As years passed and as I matured I learned that if you really care for someone you’ll want what’s best for them. And I wasn’t the best thing for Emma. She deserved someone who could love her in ways that I couldn’t, someone who could be more than just a great friend.  When she finally did get married I didn’t feel an ounce of jealousy, hurt, or regret. All I felt was happiness for my friend and her happiness. And I was glad that she dumped me because it was the best thing for both of us.

I can’t say enough nice things about Emma. She is kind, witty, smart, accomplished, and legitimately made me a better person. We haven’t spoken face to face since 2012, but her influence in my life is incalculable. In 2014, months before I had any intention of coming out on my blog I sent her an essay I had written that later became my coming out post. Her response was to quote Esther 4:14 “For if thou altogether holdest thy peace at this time, then shall there enlargement and deliverance arise to the Jews from another place; but thou and thy father’s house shall be destroyed: and who knoweth whether thou art come to the kingdom for such a time as this.” That scripture hit me like a ton of bricks and it stirred in me a desire to speak, to no longer hold my peace. Emma unknowingly inspired me with part of the courage I needed to be more vocal. In my prayers tonight I will be thanking God for Emma’s presence in my life.

Perhaps your first kiss was uncomfortable just like mine was. Perhaps you felt awkward holding someone’s hand for the first time. Perhaps you loved someone selfishly like I did. If that’s what you experienced, I hope you were able to overcome those feelings and form a healthy, stable relationship. But please know that the challenges that gay people face who are seeking to be in mixed-orientation relationships are not the same as the struggles faced by typical heterosexual couples. There are added layers of complexity and complication that make them inherently challenging, but not impossible. That said, I’m extremely grateful for my relationship with Emma. For the good times we had, for the laughs we shared, and for the lessons I learned.

Remembering Tami

This is a post that I mostly wrote for myself. I just had to say something about my buddy.

My friend Tami Boyens passed away yesterday. I woke up this morning to news of her passing. Grief is a funny thing. At first I felt just fine and then I just started sobbing. Usually when I cry I cry because I’m joyful or something touches me, but today I’ve been crying because I’m devastated. I’ve cried more tears today than in the whole last year combined.

Tami and I were in the same PhD program. She was a year ahead of me and one of the first people I met in Tucson. She was always so kind and good to me. We’d frequently complain about school together. Every time we ran into each other on campus she’d give me a big hug and we’d stop and chat. She was one of those people who I knew cared about me. I went to her dissertation proposal defense and brought a dozen donuts. I remember waiting with her in the hallway after the defense and chowing down on donuts while we waited to hear if she had passed or not. And then when she passed we cheered and hugged.

She loved the carrot smoothie even though it was terrible

She was a great writer and was so witty. She also swore like a sailor. After repeatedly saying the F-word while talking to me she’d frequently apologize. I always told her not to worry and to just be herself. But she knew I didn’t care for swearing and she cleaned up her language around me anyway. We would often meet up to chat at coffee shops, but since I don’t drink coffee I recommended meeting up at Jamba Juice and that kind of became our thing. Tami and I are both ENFPs and she would always say that I was just the Mormon male version of her. 

This last year was particularly rough for Tami. It felt like she was flickering out. She would message me and tell me that she was having a tough day so I’d make her go out and do something with me. One night I made her come to a Thanksgiving dinner with me at the LDS Institute. She’d never been there before and didn’t know anyone else there but me. After dinner they had an open mic sort of thing where anyone could get up and say what they were thankful for. I wrote the following in my journal: “At first no one stood up and I jokingly told Tami to say something. She said, 'Okay,' and then walked up to the microphone. She said that her friend Ben had invited her, that she’d never been to the Institute before, and that she was thankful for Institute because everyone had been so friendly and kind and shared food with her. It was actually really touching and then everyone clapped for her. It was awesome.” Tami was super ballsy.

One of the last times I hung out with Tami was in early December. She hadn’t been able to leave her apartment all day and asked if I could bring her a burrito. I got her a California burrito at Nico’s and instead of eating it right away she set it down because she had so many stories to tell me first. Tami definitely knew how to talk. I took over a bunch of papers I had to grade and we laughed and talked for hours while I graded. When I left she gave me $10 for the burrito. It only cost $6 so I tried to give her change, but she said, “Keep the change, I’m sure you’ll be bringing me food in the future.” It hurts that I won’t get that opportunity to share a meal with Tami again. I think I will take those $4 and get a Jamba Juice.

Today I lit a candle in Tami’s honor. The only candle I had was a Santa candle and I think Tami would have laughed that I lit a Santa candle to remember her. I know Tami didn’t believe in an afterlife, but I do. And I’d like to think that if there is an afterlife, that my grandma Dorothy Schilaty found Tami today and introduced herself. I just like the idea of Tami being with someone I know right now. Tami always told me that I was "Schilawesome" and I know that she would think my grandma was, too. I will miss Tami fiercely. I will remember her gumption, her humor, her love, and most of all I will remember how good she was to me. She is one of a kind.

The Story They Never Told Us

My parents the day they got baptized.
This is my very favorite picture of them.

Yesterday I drove three hours (two hours when there isn't traffic) to Olympia to hang out with Aaron and Amanda. I talked to Aaron's mom for a bit and she told me how great my parents are and how much she misses being in their ward. Then she told a story about them that I had never heard before. She was pretty sure, but not 100% sure, that the story was about my parents. So when I got home late last night I asked my parents if the story was about them and they confirmed that it was. I was shocked they'd never told me or my siblings. Here's what happened.

Buzz and Ginny Schilaty in 1971

My parents got married in 1971 and then randomly bumped into Mormonism the following year and joined the church. They had no children and two incomes so they lived off of one income and put the rest into a college fund for their unborn children (they're planners). In 1975 the church announced that it would build a temple in Seattle and each ward was asked to contribute to the building fund. My parents' ward hosted a dinner and asked people to pledge money. At this point my mom had had a number of miscarriages and she and my dad thought they might never be able to have children. So during the dinner they decided to donated the entire college fund to the temple building fund. My dad told me that it was one of the most spiritual moments of his life and he hasn't regretted it for a second.

When Aaron's mom told me this story my reaction (half joking, half serious) was, "Too bad they didn't keep the money!" because my oldest brother was born the next year. But my parents have taught me over and over again that when you put the Lord first He will take care of you. I remember shortly after I got home from my mission someone gave me $1,000 for school. I asked my mom if I was supposed to pay tithing on that money since it was basically a tuition scholarship. She said, "You're smart enough to figure out the right thing. I don't know what you should do, but I do know that you can never be too generous with the Lord."

It's been 41 years since my parents donated the money intended for our schooling to the Seattle Temple. My parents have four children, we all have master's degrees, and none of us ever had to take out a loan for our schooling. I think my mom was right.

I don't know why my parents never told us kids this story, but it's something I will think about from now on every time I see the Seattle Temple.

Perfectly Single

Four years ago my life was less than ideal. Actually, it kind of stunk. I was just rereading my journal from 2012 and 2013 and boy did I complain a lot. For example, take a look at this entry from 11 February 2013: “I kind of snapped at Kevin last night. He kept talking to me about Allison and how happy he was and I was just feeling crappy. His happiness just made me feel worse. I went to bed feeling pretty sorry for myself. I felt like Eliza from My Fair Lady when she exclaimed, ‘What’s to become of me?’ I just felt lost and sad and hopeless and I may have cried a little.” If you think I sound gay for quoting a musical, you should read the next paragraph of that journal entry in which I quote Anne Shirley.

Kevin was my roommate at the time and he was dating my friend Allison who he later married. They’re two of my very favorite people and in hindsight I’m embarrassed that I couldn’t just be happy for them. Unfortunately, I was too caught up in my own singleness to be happy that they had found love. I was lonely and sad and I feared that I would be alone forever.

What’s interesting is that as I’ve gotten to know more and more gay Mormons I hear the same story and over and over again. While everyone’s story is unique, I’ve heard this same sentiment dozens and dozens of time: “I just don’t want to be alone forever.” The kind of people I hear say this are typically gay men who have tried to date women for years with no success. They love Mormonism and want to stay in the church, but doing so means that they either have to marry a woman or stay single. Since marriage to a woman is unappealing and hasn’t worked the only option left is to remain single if they want to fully participate in the church. In their eyes, they will be alone forever. I totally get this because I’ve felt the same way.

When a gay friend tells me that they don’t want to be alone forever I often say something like this: “Just because you’re single doesn’t mean you have to be alone. You don’t need a relationship to be happy. You’re not half of whole. You don’t need another person to complete you.” And if I’m talking to someone who identifies as a feminist I’ll say, “You’re a feminist and you’re telling me you need a man to be happy?!” I’m not sure saying any of this has ever been helpful, but I’ll continue saying it anyway.

I’ve said the phrase, “You’re not half of a whole, you can be whole just how you are,” enough times that I decided to see if it was true. Over the last week I’ve been searching the scriptures to answer this question: What makes me whole and complete? I feel like the Mormon culture makes us single people feel that to be complete we need to be married. I’d like to share a few of the things that I wish Ben from four years ago had understood.

Like Mary Poppins my mother is practically
perfect. She truly loves everyone.

The first scripture I explored was Matthew 5:48, “Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect.” Anyone who paid attention in Sunday School will know that perfect means “complete, finished, fully developed.” In other words, to be perfect is to be whole. The five verses preceding verse 48 all deal with how we treat other people. Verse 44, for example, says, “Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you.” As I’ve pondered these verses I’ve understood them to mean that if you want to be whole you need to forgive, you need to love, and you need to do good to everyone. In essence, our wholeness is contingent on how we treat other people. Have you ever been mad at someone or something and a friend says to you, “Dude, just let it go and move on”? I’ve been told that and I’ve said it, too (but without the word dude, of course). Mormonism at its core is about progression. If you aren’t forgiving people you aren’t moving on. You are stopping your own progression. As J.K. Rowling has said, “If you want to see the true measure of a man, watch how he treats his inferiors, not his equals.” How we treat others matters very much.

Principle 1: I am whole when I treat people in a Christlike way (especially if they don’t deserve it).

The next verses that touched me were Matthew 19:20-21. This is when a rich young man approaches Jesus and asks what he needs to do to receive eternal life. The Savior tells him to keep the commandments and the rich young man is like, “I keep all those commandments already.” And then he asks, “What lack I yet?” In other words, what’s keeping me from being whole? And Christ tells him to give all he has to the poor, but the rich guy just can’t do that and walks away feeling sad and still incomplete.

So what’s the principle here? I’m whole when I give all my stuff away? No, I think it’s deeper than that. I think that each of us needs to have the courage to ask, “What lack I yet? What am I missing?” And then have the courage to do that thing. Here’s an example from my life.

Not long after I wrote the journal entry at the beginning of this post I was feeling super-sad that I was single (that feeling was actually pretty constant in my life for a number of years). As I was driving home from work one day I was praying and expressing to God my frustrations. I pleaded, “Why can’t I just have a family?” I soon felt this answer, “Ben, you already have a family.” And that response was true, I have a great family. I have parents, siblings, nieces and nephews and they’re all just great. I realized that I was already part of an eternal family and that instead of longing for something I didn’t have I should improve the relationships that I already had.

Hanging out with my gay Mormon friends
makes me feel whole

Now, this next part is going to sound crazy to Mormons, but it was important for me. Over the next few years I learned that I had to get rid of the dream I had of marrying a woman in the temple. It had been causing me pain and sadness and it was time for a new dream, a dream that was a better fit for me. I asked God, “What lack I yet?” and through a line upon line process I knew that there was a work God had for me to do. I needed my gay brothers and sisters and they needed me. And so I reached out and formed a little support group of LGBT Mormons. Now I have a little family in Tucson that I love as if they were my actual family. I wrote about how that all happened in my last post. I thought that the only way to be happy was to be married to a woman, but I feel like I was mistaken.

For example, Jesus Christ is our perfect example, right? He was baptized even though He was sinless to “set the example” for us (2 Nephi 31:9). His baptism is mentioned in multiple places in the scriptures because He did it to show us the way. If marriage was so important for me right now wouldn’t He have set the example for me by getting married? (I wrote some more thoughts on marriage and the Plan of Happiness in this post.) The Savior’s familial relationship that is most emphasized in the scriptures is His relationship with His mother as well as His constant striving to do His Father’s will. The scriptures are bursting with stories of how Christ treated everyone with love and respect, especially those that were sick, different, or on the fringes of society. Jesus showed us how love can be universal instead of exclusive. For me, the thing I lacked was reaching out. I was feeling so lonely and sad that I failed to realize that there were other lonely and sad people, too. Once I stopped feeling sorry for myself and started looking outward things got way better. In fact, I think I’m in the best place I’ve ever been.

Principle 2: I’m whole when I have the courage to do God’s will.

I love what the Doctrine and Covenants teaches about light. Section 93 is one of my absolute favorites. But D&C 50:24 teaches an important principle, too. It reads, “That which is of God is light; and he that receiveth light, and continueth in God, receiveth more light and that light growth brighter and brighter until the perfect day.” Remember how we agreed that perfect means to complete and whole? Well, I haven’t reached the perfect day yet, but I will if I continue in God and continue receiving more light. God has promised all of us further light and knowledge and to receive it we need to use the knowledge He has already given us and seek for more.

Principle 3: I become whole as I receive more light.

I found a lot of great scriptures about what it means to be whole, but I’ll just share one more thought. Moroni 10:32 says that “by his grace ye may be perfect in Christ…” And referring to those who will attain a celestial glory, D&C 76:69 says, “These are they who are just men made perfect through Jesus the mediator of the new covenant…” In the end, it’s not so much about what I do that will make me whole, it’s about what Christ did. A spouse won’t complete me, but the grace of God will. The relationship that will make me perfect isn’t the one I have with a significant other, but the one I have with Jesus.

Principle 4: I am made whole through grace.

If I could talk to the me of four years ago I would ask him these questions: How do you treat other people? Is there something you feel prompted to do that you haven’t had the courage to do yet? What are you doing to receive more light? What role does grace have in your life? I think if he really thought about it he would realize that he was looking for happiness in some of the wrong places. And then I would encourage him to follow the promptings of the Holy Ghost and his own moral compass and live the life he felt inspired to live. And I would tell him to not make any decisions based on fear (which is what I did for way too long).

I love traditional marriages and families and I believe that they are essential to God’s plan. However, I think that marriage to a woman isn’t the right thing for me at this point in my life. And while I’m very content with my life, I would not prescribe it for every gay Mormon. We all need to figure out what course is right for us. As Joseph Smith taught, “That which is wrong under one circumstance, may be, and often is, right under another. God said, 'Thou shalt not kill'; at another time He said, 'Thou shalt utterly destroy.' This is the principle on which the government of heaven is conducted—by revelation adapted to the circumstances in which the children of the kingdom are placed. Whatever God requires is right, no matter what it is, although we may not see the reason thereof till long after the events transpire.” I feel that I’ve received revelation on how to live my life and I hope that everyone else will do the same.

I’ve heard many people say things like, “My wife is my rock,” or “Nothing has brought me greater joy than raising my kids.” These sentiments are great and no longer make me feel left out because I’ve found my own rock and my own things that bring me joy. I know people who appear to have great marriages as well as people who feel burdened by their marriage. I also know people who are single and sad and people who are single and thriving. That’s because it’s not our relationship status that completes us. It is who we are becoming that completes us. However, I still get criticized regularly by Mormons and by people in the LGBT community for choosing to stay single. I get it, you have a great life and want me to have a great life, too. But instead of prescribing marriage to me as a way to be whole, I’d prefer you to ask me about my relationship with God. Am I thriving? Am I living a life that brings me joy? Am I driven by a purpose that’s greater than myself? I wish that instead of telling me to find a partner that you would ask me these sorts of questions instead.

Yes, I’m single, but I feel perfectly happy and whole just the way I am.