This post is as funny as a funny story

Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country. I thought everyone might enjoy reading them.

Here are last year's winners...

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell twelve stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21 The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

National Women's Suffrage Day

It's not very well known, but today is National Women's Suffrage Day. Although it sounds bad, suffrage is actually a very good thing. Exactly ninety years ago on December 21, 1918 congress passed the 18th amendment allowing women the right to vote. Since December 21st is the shortest day of the year some congressmen who voted against the 18th amendment said that just like the day, the amendment would be short lived and would soon be repealed since women would just vote for who their husband voted for. The bill was passed largely due to the efforts of Winifred Banks whose landmark speech Our Daughters’ Daughters Will Adore Us is credited for rallying thousands of women to the cause. Winifred, along with over a thousand women, marched to the US Capitol building shouting “Votes for women” and “Cast off the shackles of yesterday.”

One of history’s greatest ironies is that Winifred banks ran for the US Senate in 1920, but lost to a man. She ran again in 1926 and lost to a woman. She never ran for a political office again.

Despite all the progress that our country has made in the last ninety years there is still a lot of gender inequality. I deal with it on a daily basis and I am suffering due to a lack of suffrage.

At work we have men’s and women’s staff bathrooms. The men’s room looks just like any other bathroom: toilet, sink, and a random table for setting things on. I assumed that the women’s bathroom looked the same until one day when one of my colleagues forgot her key and asked me to unlock the bathroom for her. Oh the shock that filled my mind when I beheld the wonders of the women’s bathroom! The following pictures should illustrate the lack of equality in places where men and women do their business. I think that Winifred Banks would want me to have a framed picture and tablecloth in my bathroom too.

The men's bathroom

The women's bathroom

Historical note: All historical information in this post is false and is the invention of the author. Any similarities to real historical events are complete flukes. Actually, most of the above information is based on events from Mary Poppins. The pictures were taken by the author at H. M. Jackson High School and represent true inequality.

Mr. Schilaty say what? part 2

A girl in my sixth period class got wind of the write-down-funny-stuff-that-Mr. Schilaty-says thing and started her own list. I don't say things so that students will write them down - this is just how I talk.

"I'm not profiling."

"And they got really mad, so I'm not gonna do it."

"Whoa, you're like tigers."

Student: "Can I punch the next person who makes fun of me?"
Me: "Yes."

"It helps you be smarter."

"You made me look like a fool, now I get to make you look like one."

"I think you're big enough to handle it yourself"

"Whoa, whoa! Don't yell at me."

"If you were talking about Spanish you need to stop. If you were talking about anything else, you are wrong.

"I just owned you."

New Family Search

We had a lesson at church today about the new Family Search website. It's really cool and I'm really excited to start using it. We were all challenged to log into the website today. I did and they have this neat feature where you can see your own family tree. Next to my name there was a button that said, "Add or find a wife." If I had known that it was that easy to find a wife I would have stopped going to dances tried Family Search a long time ago. Who should I add?

If you're interested in doing genealogy visit new.familysearch.org. If you're interest in finding a husband visit benschilaty.blogspot.com.

Mr. Schilaty say what?

       
Unbeknownst to me (at the time) a girl in one of my classes has been writing down funny things that I say in class. She showed me the list and I was so amused that I asked for a copy. Here are some of my favorites:

“I would say ‘encantada' if I were an enchanted woman… I am NOT an enchanted woman.”

“What were you just doing…? Were you PRAYING?”
“I said attractive… it’s less… offensive.”
Mmmmm… quien es ella??? … Sorry I didn’t mean to sound so creepy.”

“So I… AS A MAN… will never ever ever ever ever ever say ‘nosotras.’”

“Oh, that is an ugly ‘Y’!”
“Will everyone PLEEEEAASE be quiet? Brooke is asking a wonderful question about the homework!”
“How about you smile more so I feel better about it.”

“But…I don’t like people to go potty during learning time.”

Me: “Oooh! Is that your girrrrrlfriend??”…
Student: “That’s my SISTER”

“Socorro! NO BARKING!”

Me: “Oh sorry… my bad…”
Student: “IT IS YOUR BAD”

“I don’t want to have to do that … BUT I WILL”

“I don’t want to be the nicest teacher… I want to be the BEST teacher.”

Me: “What should you be doing in my class?”
Student: “…choosing the right…?”
Me: “I LIKE that one!”

Me: “Come on up!”
Student: “I feel sick! My stomach hurts!”
Me: “I don’t care, c’mon up!”

Me: “You can go to the bathroom when it’s passing time.”
Student: “But that’s a really long time!
Me: “…yes.”

Student: “I like your tie.”
Me: “Me too. It was free!”

Me: “Oh no, what have I done.”

”You guys are best friend? Aww, that’s so cuute!”

“When I was a child, I fell on some rocks at the zoo.”

“Actually, I can’t. That’s really illegal.”

Student: “How do you say Edmonds in Spanish?”
Me: “…Ed-monds...”

“You have a headphone and you must take that out!”
“I’m not going to a dance! I actually think that might be illegal!”

Student: “That’s racial discrimination!”
Me: “We are the same race.”
Student: “No we’re not!”
Me: “…Okay.”

“That’s *air quotes* plagiarism!”

“Let’s all discover the secret word!"

“Y’know what, Madison? …Stay at your level, but don’t drag others down with you.”

Student: “I’ll give you a piece of Hubba Bubba gum!”
Me: “No, but thanks for your Hubba Bubba offer.”

“I am not trippin'.”

“…My name’s not Ben.”

“I’m not a big sweater.”

“Just because they’re girls in my life doesn’t mean I date them or love them.”

“This is not a scary movie. It just has dead people in it.”

Me: “Devin is now known as ‘Boss Dos.’”
Student: "What does that mean?"
Me: “I dunno, probably something offensive.”

Me: “….Dominican Republic.”
Student: “How do you spell that?”
Me: “…DO-MI-NI-CAN RE-PUB-LIC.”

“I’m gonna get rich selling toilet seats and paint.”
“Just because you’re communist doesn’t mean you’re a bad person.”

Student: “Mr. Schilaty, do you hate Dana?”
Me: (turning to Dana) “Why would I hate you? You’re Mormon!”
Dana: “But I’m loud and obnoxious!”
Me: “Mormons tend to be like that.”

Student: “Can I sit by someone who doesn’t not like me?”
Me: “That would be hard in this class.”

Me: “Ohh noo, that’s wrong!”
Student: “This is outrageous!"

Student: “If we write this down, can we use it on our test?”
Me: "Do any of you know how to go to school?! 

Cookie dough, etc.

My long lost friend Sean showed up this week. We were best friends when we were in elementary school, but the summer before 4th grade his family moved to a neighboring city. We kept up the friendship for a few years, but through no fault on anyone's part we slowly drifted apart and basically haven't spoken for the last 10 years. Now Sean is getting married and he wants to buy a house so he called up my dad and was sitting at my kitchen table when I got home from work on Friday. An unexpected surprise (like most surprises I suppose). We reminisced about the good old days and had a fun time catching up. Anyone who knows me knows that I prefer cake mix to cake, brownie mix to brownies and cookie dough to cookies. I counted and I have eaten cookie dough six times in the last two weeks. During our conversation Sean randomly said, "Do you know what I liked about coming over to your house? There was always cookie dough." I laughed pretty hard at that as I realized that some things never change. What's the moral of the story? If you want to be tall and skinny eat insane amounts of cookie dough.

Joan, the old lady I lived with in Mexico called me this morning. I had so much fun talking with her. Who would've thought that talking to a 71 year old woman on the phone for an hour could be such a blast? We talked about hip replacements, back surgeries, pain medication, the ills of society, and cats. The usual. While I was in Mexico I became pretty good friends with the girls that Joan and I worked with and I enjoyed petting Joan's cats. At the end of our conversation I said, "tell the cats I say hi," and Joan said, "okay and I'll tell the girls you said hi too." I replied with, "uhh.....sure." I later felt pretty stupid for thinking of the cats and forgetting about the people.

I'll try and make this next part as anonymous as possible. I'll use letters instead of names to facilitate this. Here's what's going on: my friend A used to date person B. Person B and friend A broke up and person B later dated C. Person B and C later broke up and person C started dating D. Their relationship did not last very long and now D has asked out friend A. This completes what I will call the "love square." It's pretty much like a love triangle, but a little more complicated. The good news about a love square is that unlike a love triangle everyone can end up happy in the end because there are an even number of people involved. However, it looks like A likes B, B might like A, D also likes A, but A doesn't like D, and C likes anyone who isn't involved in the square. Let me sum this up with an equation: A+B+C+D=? or ([A+B]-D)-C=happiness for every except D. Got it?

P.S. I haven't taken a math class since 2001.

High Schoolers Say (and Do) the Dumbest Things

I am constantly amazed at some of the things that happen in my class. Some of them make me laugh, others make me cringe, and sometimes I just shake my head at the realization that some people are just dumb.

I have a Mexican in my class who speaks Spanish fluently. On the first day of class I asked him why he was taking Spanish if he already knew how to speak it. He said, "I just want an easy B." What ambition I thought. He currently has one of the lowest grades in the class.

A kid in one of my classes has pretty long hair and is the "tough kid" type. Last Friday he got a haircut and when he came into class he just look plain weird and I couldn't figure out why. I finally figured out that it was his eyebrows that looked weird. I asked, "Are your eyebrows drawn on?" and he replied with a resounding no. A well spoken girl next to me said, "Mr. Schilaty's right, they do look drawn on." He was a little annoyed at this point. The girl and I both leaned in for a closer look and we realized that his eyebrows hadn't been drawn on, but they had been shaped. Not the kind of thing I would have expected from a tough kid as they made him look a little feminine.

One of my other students had my brother as a basketball coach. He thinks that Jessen and I are pretty cool. Since he thinks I'm cool he also thinks that we're friends and that he can get away with anything in my class. Not true. He used to call my brother "Big Daddy Schilaty" and asked if he could call me "Pimp Daddy Schilaty." He was really surprised and perplexed when I said that he could not and that such a title was offense. Today in the middle of class he asked me how far I'd gone with a girl. I was floored. How could he be so inappropriate and disruptive at the same time? I quickly shut him and said that that was a ridiculously inappropriate question and we later had a little chat about propriety and respecting women.

On a happy note, I have a girl in my sixth period who sometimes hangs around for a few minutes after school to help me clean up. We've talked about religion quite a lot (it's okay after school) and she has some pretty weird ideas. Last week we had a discussion about how delicious curry is. The next day she told me that she thinks that all Mormons must love curry because she had run into two missionaries that day who had also mentioned that they love curry. She's a good student, but she often reads during class. Today I caught her reading the Book of Mormon. I said, "I'm glad that you're reading that, but you can't do it during class." Apparently the missionaries have started teaching her family. That makes me happy.