Sunday, August 8, 2010


I’ve never been a very organized person, but I do love to set goals; especially when there’s a lesson at church about setting goals. I attended one such lesson in May 2009 and everyone in attendance was invited to make two measureable, achievable goals. Since I was going to be starting grad school soon I decided to make a goal to get straight A’s. And since I was single I decided to make a goal to get married in August 2010. Both goals seemed like practical, doable goals and so I set out to achieve them. I’m happy to say that I’ve been extremely successful with one of my goals and a little less than successful with the other. To be funny I later specified my marriage date as the 9th of August. That way my marriage date would be 8/9/10 and whenever anyone asked when I got married I would wittily reply, “On eight nine ten,” which would be funny at first, but my poor wife would later confess to me that she never thought it was funny, that it annoyed her, and that I should just say August 9th because as it turns out no one thought it was funny.

Eight nine ten is tomorrow and I’m more single than ever. I’m not too upset about missing my goal and I’m now planning on getting married on nine ten eleven. Even though I didn’t get married this weekend, a friend of mine did and I went to her reception.

When I was younger and before all of my friends were married I used to attend weddings with single girls who would often talk about (in slight snooty tones) how their reception was going to be different from the one we were currently at. While at the wedding reception this weekend I decided to come up with some things that I will do differently at my wedding reception.

I’ve always thought that cutting a cake was an odd tradition. I mean, yes, the cake does need to be cut. And having the bride and groom do it is kind of cute, but they only cut enough for themselves and then let someone else do it. And for that we clap?! I just don’t get it. At my reception my wife and I will do something more utilitarian. For example, we could toss a salad together. It’s healthier and if my wife and I get in a mini food fight as newlyweds are wont to do at least lettuce doesn’t leave a sticky residue on your face like cake does. Or we could fill up cups of water, DJ a little, plant a tree, or write a check to a charity; all of which serve a purpose and actually deserve applause. Or we could do something that’s actually difficult for two people to do together like throw a dart at a bull’s-eye, walk around with our legs tied together, or co-compose a poem on the spot. I think the guests would be excited when someone announced, “The bride and groom will now compose an origin poem for their guests.”

Instead of having a slide show of the bride and groom for people to watch as they wait in line we will have a slide show of digitally generated images of what our children will look like. It’ll be a good conversation starter. We will have pictures of ourselves too, but only ones from Facebook. Below the pictures we will have random Facebook updates from years past. I think my friends and relatives will really enjoy seeing a poorly taken picture of me at a ward activity with a caption that says “Ben has the best roommates ever!” or “(fill in girls name) just finished her last test of the semester!” or “Ben just updated his blog,” or “(fill in girls names) could eat Thai food every day.” It will be a good way for people to reminisce and a good conversation starter.

I don’t really enjoy wedding lines and haven’t quite figured out how to avoid it. I’m thinking that maybe I’ll stick with the line tradition, but make it a line dance. I think I’d enjoy mingling while doing the Electric Slide or the Boot Scootin’ Boogey. We’re also going to have all of the guests take a picture with us in front of a green screen and we will include the picture in their thank you card. That way the wedding will have taken place at the beach, on a ski slope, in front of the Taj Mahal, on an African Safari, at the White House, and on the Moon.

The most enjoyable part of the reception will be the murder mystery. Every guest will be assigned a part to play with a short bio of their character. Of course most guests will be given unimportant roles and the main players will be in the wedding party. Clues will be given throughout the night that will help the guests figure out who the murderer is. The game will be rigged and the murderer will end up being the mother-in-law as that is the funniest possible outcome. When it’s revealed that she’s the murderer she’ll wittily say something like, “Treat my daughter right or I will be a murderer,” and the place will erupt in laughter. I, however, will be a little wary of her from then on because I will know that she really isn’t joking.

Keep nine ten eleven free ‘cause it’s gonna be a hoot.