Thank you, Elder Holland, But I Wish You Had Said More

 Last Tuesday was a super-stressful day. I'm winding down my grad school experience so I have a lot of "self-directed time" so work is rarely hectic or crazy. Last Tuesday, however, I worked the entire day and still wasn't able to finish everything I needed to do. At 7:15 pm I finished teaching a class that I hadn't had enough time to prepare and I just felt exhausted and overwhelmed. I gathered up my things and sulked across the street to the LDS Institute. The Face to Face event with Elder Holland, Elder Hallstrom, and Sister Stephens was wrapping up and I sat down on the floor in the back of the gym to watch the last five minutes. As I listened to Elder Holland's closing testimony all my stress just melted away. I felt peaceful and refreshed and also super-bummed that I had missed most of the broadcast.  

The next day I listened to the entire Face to Face event and it was just phenomenal. I loved it. I especially appreciated Sister Stephens' point about Corianton from the Book of Mormon and how he was able to repent and be a force for good in the church of God. Her emphasis on the content of our hearts and not dwelling on past mistakes was spot on.

The last question that was asked was about same-gender attraction. Elder Holland was asked what he would say if he were meeting face to face with a member of the church who experienced same-gender attraction who feels alone and scared and isn’t sure how they fit in to the Lord’s kingdom. I was on the edge of my seat, anxious to see what he would say. He talked about the importance of the law of chastity, emphasized that homosexual members have access to every blessing of the gospel, and assured us that all the promises that have been made to us will be fulfilled. Overall I really liked his answer, but I feel like his answer was incomplete. He was speaking off the cuff and had time constraints so I can't hold that against him. Still, there are many things I wish had been said that weren't. You can listen to Elder Holland's response here. It starts at 1:13:25.

I am not a church leader and I do not speak for the church. However, I decided to take some time to write out the response that I wish Elder Holland had given. It's in the same spirit as his original response, but I added in some points that I wish he had made. 

Question: Those who encounter same-gender attraction feel alone in the church. They feel scared and they're not sure how they fit into the Lord's kingdom. So if you could meet with them face to face what message would you share with them?

Answer: First of all, our Heavenly Parents love you and I love you. No one should ever feel alone or isolated in this church. Shame on us if we are neglecting anyone in our congregations. Everyone should feel welcomed, loved, and accepted. I would prefer to meet with you face to face in my home while sharing a meal so that you would know that I consider you to be part of my family. I'm here with you, I love you, and I will walk with you on this journey.

I know that it might feel like you don't fit in in a church that so heavily emphasizes the importance of families. Well, you do fit in and we want you in the church. In fact, we need you in the church. We need your talents and abilities. We need your testimony and strength. And we need your dedication and service. We need you to be Sunday School teachers, Elders Quorum presidents, Ward Mission Leaders, home teachers, and missionaries. We need you to serve in the temple. We need you to build Zion. For those of you who have talents in dance and theater we need you to put culture back into our cultural halls. We need someone to dust off those stages and put on great performances like we used to have. Don't give up on us because we need you.

The Lord has been clear in His definition of the law of chastity. This is a matter of chastity. Sexual relations are only permitted between a man and woman who are married. I realize that for many members of the church who experience same-sex attraction this means that you will never get married in this life. My heart breaks for you. I love my wife with all my heart and I would be lost without her. Imagining what my life would be like without my wife helps me to understand why those of you who don't see marriage in your future would feel so lost and isolated. Focus on building and strengthening your relationship with the family you already have. Be a blessing to them. And make your ward family your extended family. Invite them to your home, share a meal with them, and go on outings together. You do not need to feel alone.

I know that some of you ache to have biological children and that such a blessing might not be in your mortal future. Once again, my heart breaks for you, but instead of focusing on what you can't have, make the most of what you do have. If you are in a position to, consider taking in foster children. Children who have been neglected could learn so much from you. If you have the means, help a missionary from a less fortunate family to be able to serve. The truth is that we are all brothers and sisters, we are all one family. Reach out to those around you and serve them as much as you can. Do this and you will find your place in God's family.

Homosexual members who don't get married are often compared to single women who never get married.  These women can just as justifiably ask the same question as someone who is struggling with same-gender attraction and say, "What is there for me? What is the hope for me?" May I make a recommendation? Study the great sermons in the Book of Mormon about the Plan of Salvation and the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Preach My Gospel lists many of these insightful chapters on p. 48. As you study these chapters you will see how essential Christ is to our happiness now and forever. The purpose of life is to take advantage of His atonement and become like Him. Nowhere in the Book of Mormon will you find a verse that says that marriage is essential to happiness, progression, or salvation. That's because a single person, homosexual or heterosexual, can also develop the Christlike attributes of love, charity, humility, patience, virtue, faith, and so many more. The Book of Mormon was written for our day. It was written for you and me. It is divine. If marriage were the only way to be happy then that book would discuss marriage throughout its pages. It doesn't. But it is filled with Jesus Christ. Focus on Him and becoming like Him.

In the church we sometimes treat single women better than we treat single men. For example, a single woman can be hired as a full time Seminary or Institute teacher, but a single man cannot. This is a silly policy that should be changed because a single man can teach just as effectively as a single woman. Also, I worry that some people fear homosexual men. This ought not to be. Any man who serves in this church and keeps his covenants deserves our trust. In the last Women's Session of General Conference a video was shared of an older single woman who wrote letters to a young girl in her ward. The two developed a friendship and had a sweet association together that everyone was comfortable with. Would we be equally touched if a homosexual man formed a friendship with a young boy in the ward and wrote letters to him? I hope so. We have nothing to fear from our brothers who experiences same-sex attraction. We spend a lot of time making sure the single women of the church feel wanted and valued. Perhaps we need to do a better job of reaching out to the single men, too. 

I often hear members say things like, "Sister so-and-so is so faithful and valiant. It's too bad a righteous priesthood holder hasn't snatched her up." While it is not always the case, many of the single women if the church are single because they simply haven't had the opportunity to marry. Oh how I wish that every faithful daughter of God could have a temple marriage with a man she loved. Our gay members are often single by choice and not circumstance. Many of you may not know anything about Elder Christofferson's brother Tom. Tom is gay and was excommunicated from the church many years ago. He was in a relationship with a man he loved for two decades. Tom's partner meant everything to him. After being away from the church for years Tom felt an unexpected prompting to return to church activity which he did. After a few years he desired to be rebaptized and in order to do that he had to end his relationship with the man he loved. Tom made the very painful decision to leave his partner and live as a single man so that he could rejoin the church. While many heterosexual single women are single by circumstance, many gay members are actively choosing to not be with people they love. What a tough decision that would be to make! I hope we will recognize the immense sacrifices that homosexual members are making in order to remain in the church. 

May I offer a recommendation to those of you who don't experience same-sex attraction? Please do not blame your brothers and sisters for their attractions. As it says on mormonsandgays.org, they do not choose to have these attractions. When Job was suffering three of his friends showed up and told him that he was being punished by God for not being righteous. Job responded, "I have heard many such things: miserable comforters are ye all" (Job 16:2). Let's not be "miserable comforters." Let's be the kind of friends who instead of telling someone how to solve their problems, listens and tries to understand. Instead of justifying someone's suffering like Job's friends did, let's make sure all our friends know that we love them and will stand with them through their trials. 

Brothers and sisters, I know that many of you are worried about your futures and wonder how you fit in at church. Let me say this. No one's life works out the way they imagined it would. If you think that your life will be filled with loneliness and isolation you are mistaken. We will be with you every step of the way. We will walk with you. As it says in Doctrine and Covenants 123:17, "...let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power; and then may we stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the salvation of God, and for his arm to be revealed." Do all you can and do it with a cheerful heart and I promise you a life of fulfillment, happiness, and joy.

Okay, this is Ben again. While I loved what Elder Holland said, I wish he had taken a bit more time and said some of the things I wrote here. That's just me, though. He may not even agree with what I wish he had said.

Lindsay and I celebrating her 30th birthday at Disneyland
(many years ago)

 A few days after watching the Face to Face I called my sister Lindsay. She's 34 and single and she's way rad (and if anyone reading this is a straight male with a job who's active in church and does Cross Fit you should totally take her out). I asked her if she thought that she, as an older single woman, and I, as a single gay man, are in the same situation. She answered, "NO! And here's why. I'm a woman and I'm attracted to men. I get to hope that someday I'll meet a man who I can fall in love with and marry. You are a man who is attracted to men and you don't get to have that hope. You don't get to hope that you'll be able to marry someone you're attracted to." She then said, "Oh man, that sounds so rude. I'm sorry." I replied, "Don't worry about it. I realized that about 10 years ago."

I then asked Lindsay if she was happy as a single woman. She explained that she's very happy now, but all the social pressure to marry and seeing her friends get married was really, really hard. It wasn't until she stopped worry about getting married and started focusing on living her life the way that God wants her to live it that she really started to be happy. Lindsay has had some tough years. Despite being beautiful, talented, and successful she hasn't gotten a lot of attention from guys. I don't quite get why. But the last few years she has seemed so happy. Life is going her way. She's a happy, single Mormon woman. And she's an awesome sister.

The same has been true for me. Letting go of the pressure to get married and focusing on becoming like the Savior has made me so happy. My life is good. Like, it's really, really good. And I'm a single, gay Mormon and probably will be for the rest of my life. But I'm not alone. And I'm going to follow the advice the I imagine Elder Holland giving. I'm going to have people over for dinner, I'm going to serve, and I'm going to walk with every gay Mormon who needs me. We're going to walk this road together. There is room for us in this church. In fact, there's room for you on the pew next to me. Let's do this whole church thing together. 

How to Be a Gay Mormon's Hero

After a blog post I wrote back in June an anonymous commenter wrote: "Thank you for a well written post. Your impassioned writing had me.... right up until the very last sentence where you say, '...and create more of a place for me and other gay Mormons in His church.' This commenter then went on to say that we can't expect God to bend His will to our appetites because that's just not part of His plan. The commenter obviously thought that I meant that I was praying for the church to allow gay marriage, but that's not what I was implying at all. I know many gay members who feel like they don't fit in at church and wish they had more of place. Here are some ideas I've had on how we can create more of a place for gay Mormons within the framework of our current doctrine and policies:

1. Allow gay members be honest about their sexuality (if they want to be)

In March 2015 I emailed my stake presidency about starting a support group for gay Mormons in the stake. A few weeks later the stake president called me in for a meeting. At the time I didn't know him very well. We discussed my idea for a little while which I thought was the whole point of the meeting. When we finished talking about the group I wanted to start he shocked me by extending a calling as a member of the stake Sunday School presidency. I was floored, just floored. Part of me wanted to say, "But don't you realize I'm gay? I can't have a stake calling." But I didn't say that and I was ashamed that part of me thought I would never be able to hold such a calling if I was open about my sexual orientation. The whole stake presidency knew I was gay and they didn't care. Being open about being gay was not an issue. That night as I wrote about the event in my journal I cried. I cried because it meant so much to me that they trusted me, an out gay Mormon, to hold a stake calling.

Last month my new bishop called me in to his office and asked me to be the ward mission leader which I accepted. I barely knew my bishop and assumed he knew nothing about me. After chatting for a few minutes he said, "I want you to know that I know about your situation (please see point #6 for a discussion on how Mormons have no idea what to call gay people) and I really admire you." He then praised me for a few minutes and told me how excited he was to work with me. I was going to speak in church that day and I told him I was planning on mentioning being gay in my talk. I asked him if that would be okay. He said, "I don't see why that would be a problem." So at the beginning of sacrament meeting the entire congregation sustained me in my new calling. And then a few minutes later I was standing at the pulpit telling them all that I'm gay. After my talk about a dozen people came up to talk to me. Their comments included words like "brave," "courageous," and "thank you so much for your honesty." I know a lot of gay Mormons and many of them are told by their families and church leaders to keep being gay to themselves and to not tell anyone. To me that seems very unhealthy and it robs of them of the opportunity to be authentic and to be told that they are brave and courageous. That night I cried again as I wrote in my journal. I cried because my entire ward was now aware that I was gay and everyone seemed totally cool with it. I remembered all the fears I had about being rejected for being gay and in that moment I just couldn't understand how I'd managed to be so lucky. Continuing to actively participate in the church while also being honest about my sexuality has made me so happy. I wish more people could have the church experience that I do. 

Also, allowing gay members to be honest will be blessing to people still in the closet. For years I had thought that I was the only gay Mormon. I felt lonely, isolated, and terrified. Having an older, happy, gay Mormon role model would have made life so much easier, but I had no one to look up to. I recently received a message from a good friend that said in part: "I was shocked to read your story and finally see that there was someone that had somewhat similar experiences and wanted to live the gospel. I had prayed for 3 years to be able to talk to someone that could understand exactly how I felt, tell them how I felt, and support what I wanted to do. I really didn't think someone like that existed." There is no need for anyone in the rising generation to feel alone and scared like my friend and I did. So let's allow people to be honest about their sexuality.

2. Get to know a gay Mormon

You might already know someone who is a gay Mormon (me, perhaps?). That's great and good for you for not calling them a heretic or banning them from talking to your children. I hope you make an effort to really get to know them. Have you ever known someone for a long time and then suddenly you have a deep conversation with them and learn loads about them that you never knew before? I experienced that just this past weekend. It's easy to assume that just because we know someone we really know them, but that's often not the case. I first came out to my parents when I was 23. About once a year my dad would say, "So how's that whole 'same-sex attraction' thing going?" I'd say, "Good," and we'd talk about something else. That was the extent of our conversations about my sexuality. It wasn't until I was 30 (seven years later!) that I really spilled my guts to my parents and siblings. It was one of the best things I ever did. They already knew me very well and they knew I was gay, but up until two years ago they really had no idea what I was going through. So get to know a gay Mormon. We're pretty cool and I think you'll like us.

3. Watch what you say

Ever since I started telling people I'm gay I've had the same thing happen to me dozens of times. After learning I'm gay I'll get an email or a text or a Facebook message from a friend apologizing for some rude comment they made in my presence about gays years ago. It usually goes something like this, "Two years ago I made a joke about gay people and you heard it and I had no idea you were gay and I'm so sorry." This happened to me once again two weeks ago. A friend at church pulled me aside and with a look of sincere remorse on his face apologized for something he had said about gays two years before. I said, "I honestly have no recollection of that happening, but thank you for having the courage to apologize. I totally forgive you." He had known I was gay for more than a year and it took him that long to say he was sorry. It had obviously weighed on his conscience for some time. I don't want anyone to have to apologize to their gay friends for things they said in the past so let's avoid the whole situation by just not saying anything rude. 

Even more important than your feelings are the feelings of the closeted gay kids who are suffering in silence. They overhear friends and family making fun of gay people and are terrified of having those same things said about them if they ever come out. The hymn "Lord I Would Follow Thee" sums up exactly why we should watch our words: "In the quiet heart is hidden / Sorrow that the eye can't see" (Hymns #220). Before I came out on my blog there were a number of people that I felt I should tell personally because I didn't want them to find out in a public way. The very last person I told was a friend I've had since I was kid. Shortly after we returned home from our missions I was struggling internally with being gay. He had no idea and he said something that was extremely dismissive of gay people and their feelings. His comment made me think that he wasn't someone I could trust with my secret so I finally came out to him seven years after I started telling people. What messages are you sending with your words? Are you sending the message that you're someone a gay person can trust or are you sending the opposite message? So watch what you say because you don't know which of friends, acquaintances, siblings, or children you are damaging with your words.

 4. Hold a 5th Sunday Lesson on the topic of same-sex attraction

The intersection between being LGBT and Mormon is an important topic right now. And it's one that isn't going to go away because Mormon parents are going to keep having gay children. We need to do a better job of educating ourselves about this topic because it affects so many members of the church. In my experience, most of the time homosexuality is brought up in church it's in the context of same-sex marriage being bad. We can do a better job than we are currently doing in our local congregations to educate ourselves.

Don't worry, this saguaro is a girl (and she's not even
hugging me back)

I'm a single man so you probably wouldn't want to approach me for marital or parenting advice. I mean, I might be able to give you some good advice, but you'd probably be better off asking someone who is married with children (one time I was alone in my brother's van with his three kids for one minute and in those 60 seconds my two year old nephew got his head stuck between the seat and the center console). Similarly, it would be best to have a lesson about Mormonism and same-sex attraction taught by someone who experiences same-sex attraction or a family member of someone who does. I would be thrilled if a church leader asked me to teach such a lesson and, let me toot my own horn for a moment, it would be the most uplifting and inspiring 5th Sunday lesson you would have ever attended. Instead of watching the clock wishing for church to be over, people would be so engaged that they would wish the lesson could last longer. I'd happily teach a 5th Sunday lesson in any congregation that would have me that's within driving distance of Tucson. I have now spoken at two LDS Institutes of Religion about being gay and Mormon and they were some of the most uplifting experiences of my life. In both instances we didn't have time to address all the questions people had and I spent a good chuck of time after talking with people who wanted to learn more. Mormons want to have these conversations at church so let's take some time and do it.

5. Leave the judging to the judges

If you want to be a member of the church there are certain standards you're required to live. To be a temple recommend holding member of the church is not easy and there are many people who attend our congregations who do not live those standards. Do we shun them and ask them to leave? Of course not! We just love them for who they are and rejoice that they are trying to be better just like we all are. It is not our business what anyone else's standing in the church is. We don't cast the first stone, we just love them and walk with them.

However, we have bishops and stake presidents who are called as Judges in Israel who are required to maintain the boundaries of the church. They have the unenviable job of administering church discipline when someone's conduct is not consistent with the teachings of the church. When someone does need to be disciplined for not keeping church standards Doctrine and Covenants 121:43 tells us exactly what to do: "Reproving betimes with sharpness, when moved upon by the Holy Ghost; and then showing forth afterwards an increase of love toward him whom thou hast reproved..." Showing an "increase of love" naturally presupposes that you were already showing love. If you're a Judge in Israel then you are called to uphold the doctrines of the church and you are also called to do a lot of loving.

I was recently chatting with a friend of mine who lives far from Tucson. He is in a same-sex relationship and hasn't been to church for some time. He told me that he's been feeling a pull to go to church again. I said, "In Mormonism we call that a 'prompting.'" He told me that he would have to be honest with everyone about how he's living his life and he was worried that people wouldn't treat him well at church. I told him that I thought his congregation needed him and he needed them and that I hoped he would return. And I especially hope that instead of casting stones at my friend for not living all the standards of the church, they would embrace him and welcome him back. So let's show the same-sex couples in our congregations that we take the Savior at His words and show an increase of love towards them. And let's leave the judging to the judges.

6. Let gay members choose how to define themselves

When I first started coming out there was no way I would have labeled myself as gay. At first I said that I "struggled with same-sex attraction." Saying that sounded awkward so I would sometimes say things like "my baggage" or "my issue" (which are also awkward). After a few years I finally just started calling myself gay and that feels comfortable and good to me. Twice when I've told bishops I was gay they said, "You're not gay, you have same-gender attraction." For some reason in the church we equate the term "gay" with "living the gay lifestyle," but we don't do that with the term "straight." If you overheard a 17 year old boy at church say he was straight would you say, "Now, Tommy, you're not straight, you have opposite-gender attraction." Doing that would be pretty absurd, right? Well, I've been told multiple times that I shouldn't call myself gay. To me, being gay isn't about my behavior, it's about the deep desire I feel to have a relationship and connection with another man. And just to further justify why it's okay to say I'm gay, the church has an official website called mormonsandgays.org and in a press conference in January 2015 two apostles used the term "LGBT" and the G in that acronym mostly certainly means gay. So if someone wants to say they have same-sex attraction or SSA, let them define themselves that way. And if someone wants to define themselves as gay, let them self-identify in that way too. I choose to identify myself as gay, but the identity that I feel most strongly is as a child of God (I know, super-cheesy, but also very true).

7. Be a hero

In each of the blog posts I've written about being gay and Mormon over the last 13 months I've always included one of my heroes. In my posts I purposefully highlight straight people who, in my opinion, have done things the right way.  I do this so that anyone reading my posts will have an example of how to be a friend to the gay people in their lives. I have many heroes like my parents, Mitch, Craig, Dianna, LeAnne, Hyrum, and my bishop and stake president. Be like them. Be a hero. Create a safe space for gay Mormons in your congregation. 

Is Being Gay a Weakness? A Gay Mormon's Perspective

Is being gay a weakness? This is a question that I have pondered many times.  If you had asked 21 year old me this question I would have most definitely said that being gay was a weakness. It just seemed so obvious and simple to me at the time. Homosexuality didn't fit into the Plan of Salvation so there was clearly a way to fix it.  And as a young gay Mormon I knew just how to cure it.  Christ's words in the Book of Mormon were crystal clear:

"And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them." (Ether 12:27).

The formula was simple: come unto the Savior, be humble, and have faith. If I did those things then weak things would become strong things. To me this meant that my weakness of being gay would be transformed into the strength of being straight. Not only did I believe that this would happen, but I was certain it would. So I got to work on the "weakness to strength" formula and set goals to never miss church, to pray every day, to read the scriptures every day, to never do homework on Sunday, to attend the temple weekly, to keep a journal, and, of course, to go on a date at least once a week. Naturally I coupled these goals with countless prayers and numerous fasts to be straight.

I was really good at keeping my goals and I still have some of those same goals. When I was 22 I very briefly dated this girl who I got along really well with and I was like, "Okay, Heavenly Father, I'm ready for this whole weakness to strength formula to pan out so I can be straight." But that didn't happen. Then right before I turned 24 I started dating a girl who was super rad. I started to pray, "Alright, God, you don't need to make me straight, please just make me bisexual so I can be attracted to this girl who really seems to like me." But that didn't happen.  And then when I was 26 I started dating this super witty girl who was just a blast to be around. This time I prayed, "Heavenly Father, I don't care if you leave me gay and I don't care if I'm not attracted to women, but please, please let me be attracted to just one woman."  But that's not what happened.

Sometimes I got mad. Sometimes I got discouraged. Sometimes I felt confused. But as time passed I mostly started to get scared. I was terrified that the formula wasn't going to work and I'd be left "separately and singly" (D&C 132:17) for the rest of my life. But that's not what happened either.

Every post should have a picture, so here's me
hanging out with a cactus

The last year of my life has been one of my happiest and I'm certain it's because at the very beginning of 2015 I stopped hiding and came out on my blog. It's nice to not have to lie any more. Like, really, really incredibly nice. It's great to just accept that I'm gay and to tell the truth. And while I'm open about being gay, I'm also still Mormon and I continue to live in that space, too. I plan to always be part of my Mormon community and that's why I keep the standards of that community. So while I may not be living "the gay lifestyle" as people sometimes awkwardly refer to their friends and family in same-sex relationships, I feel like I'm finally living my life as a gay person. There's something strangely satisfying about arguing with my friends over who the cutest actor is on Jane the Virgin.

So what does all this have to do with my original question? When I was 21 I fundamentally misunderstood what the Lord was saying in Ether 12:27. In verse 23 Moroni tells the Lord that he's worried that people "will mock these things because of our weakness in writing..." Apparently both Moroni and the other Nephites were great speakers, but awful writers. He viewed his poor writing as a weakness and the Lord comforted him with the words He spoke in verse 27. In essence He says, "Don't worry. You be humble, you follow me, just have faith and I'll take care of this." The verses following verse 27 contain an excellent discussion on faith, hope, and charity. Why are these three virtues discussed in this context? Because they are the strengths that really matter.  

As I have studied and pondered Ether 12 it seems to me that Moroni thought that his poor writing skills would diminish the power of his words, that even though he had been commanded to write that his words would fall on deaf ears (blind eyes?). And then he appears to be trying to convince himself that his ability isn't what matters, that he can do the work he is commanded to do if he has faith, hope, and charity. Was Moroni's weakness really his writing? I don't think so. If it was then there would be some indication that he became a great writer. I believe that his weakness was not trusting in God and not having charity towards the future readers of his words. In verse 37 the Lord tells Moroni, "And because thou hast seen thy weakness thou shalt be made strong, even unto the sitting down in the place which I have prepared in the mansions of my Father."

Moroni and the Nephites did not become great writers. I'm sure it would be quite simple to find someone who thinks reading the Book of Mormon boring (Mark Twain described it as "chloroform in print"), but there are thousands of people, myself included, who have been uplifted, inspired, and transformed by its message.

Following the formula in Ether 12:27 didn't make it straight, but it did teach me a lot about faith, hope, and charity, attributes that I still need to develop. I had worried that being a gay Mormon would give me a life of loneliness and solitude, but since I started being honest with myself and others the exact opposite has happened. 

I recently started attending a new ward. I was asked to speak two Sundays ago and in my talk I mentioned being gay. Later that day I received an email from someone in my ward who I had never spoken to before. It said in part, "I am glad to see your optimism, and your testimony has helped strengthen mine. You will not be forgotten if you stop coming to church. I will miss your presence. If you ever need to talk or hang out or just grab dinner, you are always invited into our home." He then gave me his number and attached a picture of him and his wife so I'd know who they were. I was deeply touched by this Christlike gesture. To have a near stranger reach out to me, pledge his support and assistance, and invite me into his home to break bread with him felt like exactly what the Savior would have done if He had been in the congregation listening to my talk. We need more people like him (and more people like Him). I took him up on the dinner invitation and he and his wife are just delightful. 

When I told this story to Phil and Danielle, Phil jokingly said, "I wish I was gay so people would invite me over for dinner." It's crazy how being open about being gay has deepened my relationships with my family, expanded my relationships with my friends, and enlarged the number of amazing people in my life.  If you had told all this to 21 year old Ben he would have thought you were nuts. I couldn't believe it when I realized that this thing that I had hated about myself had ended up being a force for good in my life.

So is being gay a weakness? I sure used to think it was, but I don't see it that way anymore. In fact, it has become one of my strengthens. I thought becoming strong meant becoming straight, but I was very mistaken. Being strong, I have learned, is synonymous with being faithful, humble, and charitable and being weak is simply the opposite. 

A Line in the Sand

On Thursday, November 5th I drove to California to visit my friends Ian and Amy.  It had been more than a year since I'd seen them so while we ate dinner and caught up on our lives I ignored my phone buzzing in my pocket.  When I finally pulled it out I had a few messages from friends in Tucson saying that the Mormon internet was exploding with news of new policy from the church.  I had no idea what they were talking about.  After some more chatting with Ian and Amy and playing with their kids for a bit I got online to see what was up.  When I read that a new policy stated that entering into a same-gender marriage was now considered apostasy I was stunned.  Most of the reactions I saw online were either anger and betrayal or simply disbelief or confusion.  Since the announcement hadn't come directly from the church a lot of people thought it was a hoax or misinformation.  I fell into that camp and decided to wait for official word from the church.  

Even though I've known Ian and Amy for years I only came out to them last year via email.  We hadn't seen each other since then so we spent some time talking about my experiences as a gay Mormon and what that has meant for me.  We also discussed the new policy at length.  When the interview with Elder Christofferson was posted I watched it alone with anxious anticipation.  I was hoping that he would repudiate the policy, apologize for the misinformation, and talk about how awesome his gay brother Tom is.  But instead he justified and explained the policy.  I felt sick.  Ian hadn't watched the interview yet and he asked me what I thought.  I just responded with my gut reaction, "I didn't care for it."

My initial thought after watching the interview was, "I don't want to do this anymore.  I just want to be dead."  The Brethren drew a very clear line in the sand which only leaves two options for me as a gay man if I want to stay in the church: marry a woman or stay single for the rest of my life.  Both of those options sounded terrible and at the moment I didn't feel like trying.  I should also say that at no point was I suicidal, I just felt extremely discouraged.

You see, deep down I want to be an apostate.  And by saying that I don't mean that I want to turn away from the truth, but that I really, really want to be in a committed relationship with a man that I love.  In fact, I want that so bad that it's the second most thing I want in this life.  The only thing that trumps it is my desire to do God's will.  And that's where the desiring death comes in.  If I want to stay in the church I can't have a committed relationship to a man.  Not only is it considered a sin, but it's a sin so bad that I'd be considered an apostate.  This was perplexing to me because I'm human and I know what it's like to feel sorrow when I sin, to want to repent, and the joy that comes when I feel I've become a better person.  But there was a time when I really fell for a guy.  And not just a crush, but like really, really loved another man and loving him didn't feel like a sin to me.  In fact, it felt really awesome.

Two years ago I totally fell for my best friend and he fell for me even more. He was smarter, funnier, and cuter than me. We would talk for hours on end and I just always wanted to be with him. My journal is riddled with entries where I express how happy I was to have him in my life. I was baffled that someone so handsome and cool was interested me. And what was even crazier was that he felt the same way about me. He felt like I was getting the raw end of the deal and that he was the lucky one. I was completely committed to keeping the commandments and especially committed to keeping the covenants I had made with God. I thought that my best friend and I could share our lives and have a platonic friendship. I naively thought that we could make that work. One day he asked if I'd be his boyfriend and even though I yearned to say yes I said no. A few weeks later he asked me again and with more pain than before I again told him no. A little more time passed and he once again asked if I'd be his boyfriend and even though I loved him more than any of the girls I had dated and I wanted very much to say yes, I told him no. He told me that he didn't want to be someone's Abrahamic sacrifice. He didn't want to be the sacrifice that someone made to show God how faithful he could be. And yet that is what my best friend had become to me, the thing I was willing to sacrifice for God. Since we couldn't have a real relationship he said that we needed to part ways and we did. Losing him from my life was one of the most painful things that has ever happened to me because I really loved him and wanted to date him, but I knew I couldn't. My heart told me one thing and my church told me another. I had to choose and I chose my church.

On Valentine's Day 2009 I took "The Sound of Music" tour by
myself in Salzburg, Austria (I know, such a super gay thing to
do).  This is me in front of the famous gazebo wondering,
"Where's my significant other?"

The story I just told is incredibly reductive.  There's no way I could do justice to one of the most important and formative experiences of my life in a paragraph.  But I tell that very simplified story so that people will see that to me it didn't feel like a sin to love another man.  It felt wonderful and good.  All those cheesy movies and love songs suddenly made sense to me even though they hadn't for the first 29 years of my life (I know, such a cliché thing to say, but it's true).  And I was willing to give it all away to do what I felt to be God's will.  The memories of this time flooded into my mind after I listened to Elder Christofferson's interview.   I realized that if I wanted to stay in this church and hope for the eternal life and future that it promises, that I wasn't allowed to hope for this thing that I wanted so bad.  And knowing that I wasn't allowed to hope for that made me think that I'd be better off dead.

I woke up the next morning to a text message from a friend in Utah expressing her love for me and telling me how much she wished that we lived close to each other so she could see me regularly.  She wrote in part, "What a great blessing that would be to me to have such a good friend in my life.  You're the best."  Over the next 24 hours I got Facebook messages, emails, texts, and phone calls from dozens of people asking how I was doing, expressing love for me, and telling me how much I meant to them.  All these messages reminded me of how great my life is and the desire for the grave I had felt the previous night left and shows no sign of returning.  The visceral response I initially had went away as I saw and felt all the love and empathy that exists in my community.  And the future looked bright and happy again. 

That day I spent a lot of time with Ian, Amy, and their kids.  Their three year old constantly tried to get my attention by asking me silly questions like if I'd like to eat a whale.  Then he'd yell, "Look at my sock!" and I'd look.  Then he'd yell, "Look at my other sock!" and I'd look again.  It was pretty adorable.  Amy told me how much she hoped I'd get a job in California so I could live close to them.  Ian said, "I know you haven't left yet, but when are you going to come back?"  Amy then suggested that I visit twice a year and Ian offered that I visit at least once a quarter.  It was hard to be annoyed or angry at a policy when so many wonderful people were telling me how much they wanted me in their lives. 

Over the weekend both Ian and Amy expressed a lot of empathy for the choice I have to make between being part of the church and marrying a man I love.  During one of our conversations Amy said, "If the church brought back polygamy I just couldn't do it.  I don't think I could live like that."  I've heard a lot women in the church say similar things, that polygamy is a deal breaker for them.  They would refuse to participate in it.  However, I think they're looking at things a little too simplistically.  I think that most of them, if they felt they were being commanded by God to do, would do it.  They would weep, they would struggle, they would get mad at God, but they would obey trusting that their Heavenly Father knows best.  Some would leave, of course, but I think many would have their hearts broken and would remain in the church that they believe is true.  And this scenario isn't too crazy.  The doctrine of plural marriage still exists in our scriptures and could theoretically be reinstated any day. 

I feel like I'm being asked to live polygamy.  Now obviously I haven't been asked to have multiple wives (and thank goodness for that!), but just like the men and women of 19th century Mormonism, I have made decisions relating to marriage that have broken my heart because I believe the tenets of my religion.  I'm sure that many of the men and women who entered into polygamous marriages because of their faith in "the principle" as they called it would have preferred to be in monogamous relationships.  And there are gay members of the church who would prefer to marry someone of their same gender, but who remain single and celibate because of "the policy."  If you want to have a little taste of the choices we gay members of the church have to make, take some time to imagine how you would respond if you were asked to participate in a plural marriage. 

Is it fair that my religion requires so much of its members?  That's for each individual to decide.  Those who don't believe would say that I'm being foolish.  I have felt pitied by those not of my faith for the choice that I make to stay single.  But if I entered into a same-sex marriage my church would condemn me.  Elder Perry would have described the love I'd have for my husband as "counterfeit love."  I have heard rational people say to me, "Stop living your life according to the rules of your homophobic church.  Just be yourself."  And I have heard others say, "Just follow the prophet, he knows the way."  But it's not that simple.  There are two things I want and I can't have them both.  So I pray and I fast and I read and I ponder and I serve and I try to figure out what God wants me to do.  And I feel called to live my life the way that I am living it. 

I simply ask that you don't pity those of us who decide to be celibate and stay in the church.  We're simply doing what we feel is right.  I ask that you don't condemn the gay members who choose to leave.  I have many friends in that situation and I know that they are simply doing what they feel is right.  We all turn away from the truth when we sin which technically makes all of us apostates.  As President Uchtdorf has said, "Don't judge me because I sin differently than you do."  Especially if that sin is being in a committed relationship with someone that they love.

I wrote a blog post in June in which I described a lot of the loneliness I've felt.  That was true for me back then, but the last five months have been incredible, easily one of the happiest times in my life and I have rarely felt lonely.  I could go on and on about all the great things I do that bring me meaning and happiness, but the things that have been the most meaningful to me are the outreach I'm doing in my area.  I now hold a regular support group for gay Mormons.  A friend and I started Ally Night where we talk to straight members of the church, share our stories, answer their questions, and try to expand the empathy and compassion they feel for gay members.  And I had the singular privilege of addressing a group at the Tucson LDS Institute for fifty minutes about my experiences as a gay Mormon.  I feel like that is one of the most important things I've ever done.

The Brethren have drawn a line in the sand and I have chosen my side.  I'm committed to doing all I can to making my side of the line the happiest and healthiest place it can be.  And to those of you who have chosen the other side of the line, know that I love you and respect you.  I do not condemn you.  In fact, I often envy you.  I just ask that you don't pity me because I am happy on my side of the line. 

We Mormons talk about our pioneer heritage a lot.  We're proud of those people who left homes and families to establish their Zion in the west.  They were required to sacrifice a great deal for their faith.  For many, that sacrifice included being in polygamous marital relationships that tested their faith and broke their hearts.  I feel like what is being asked of me isn't all that different and I'm happy to sacrifice for what I believe is the truth. 

I'm going to end this post by being a little too cheesy and quoting a primary song that encapsulates how I'm trying to live my life.

You don't have to push a handcart,

Leave your fam'ly dear,

Or walk a thousand miles or more

To be a pioneer!

You do need to have great courage,

Faith to conquer fear,

And work with might for a cause that's right

To be a pioneer!

Institute Devotional

Today I spoke at the Tucson LDS Institute about my experiences as a gay Mormon.  A number of people who weren't able to attend asked me to record my remarks so I did (with the Institute's permission).  I only recorded the audio and the recording device was in my shirt pocket so there are some rustling noises from time to time.  Also, there were some questions at the end of the talk that are a little hard to hear and I apologize for the poor audio quality.

YouTube wouldn't allow me to upload just audio so I had to upload a picture as well.  I chose a picture of me in Tucson because the people here in this corner of Zion have been absolutely wonderful.  I love this place because of the people here (and all the saguaros, too).  I stopped the recording after my talk, but I wish I had kept it on because Brother Bauer had some really nice, supportive things to say.  He's one of the many great people that I know here.  I'm so glad that he trusted me enough to ask me to speak.

And finally, at the beginning of the talk I reference my favorite hymn, but don't say what it is.  It's "Because I Have Been Given Much."

The Time I Almost Left the Church

A few people have asked me what I thought about Elder Holland’s talk during the October General Conference.  Here are my thoughts on that talk.

I loved it. 

The talk, of course, was about the love of mothers and I was reminded of how my own mother was willing to give her life so I would have the chance to be born (I wrote more about that here).  The reason so many people asked me about this particular talk is because a large chunk of it is devoted to how a mother helped her son cope with the burden of same-sex attraction.  I am grateful to Elder Holland for this portion of his talk because he shared some things that members of the church oftendon't understand about same-sex attraction.

First, he explained the real pain the young man was going through.  Elder Holland said, “He was still worthy, but his faith was at crisis level.  His emotional burden grew ever heavier.  And his spiritual pain was more and more profound.  He was by turn hurt, confused, angry, and desolate.”  Yep, this quote perfectly describes my experience as well. 

Second, he stated that the young man's sexual orientation didn’t change and that no one assumed it would.  I hope every member took note of that because people still tell me and my gay friends that being gay is our fault and that if we had more faith we wouldn’t be gay anymore.

Third, he explicitly stated more than once that the young man with same-sex attraction was worthy.  And not only that, he was able to work with the youth as a seminary teacher.  I hope this eases the fears of those who are afraid of having a person who experiences same-sex attraction teach their children.  As someone who loves working with the youth of the church I particularly appreciated that detail. 

Overall I loved Elder Holland’s talk and hope that it helps reshape our perceptions of what it means to experience same-sex attraction and be an active Latter-day Saint.  That said, Elder Holland mentioned that this young man returned to finish his mission after being home for five years.  That’s awesome and I applaud him.  However, the talk made this out to be a success story that had a nice happy ending.  While I agree that this is a success, the thought I had while listening to this talk was that this young man’s life is only beginning.  He's still got a long, difficult road ahead of him. 

People have pointed to me in the past as a success story, as a model for living the gospel while also being gay.  If you were to write out the things a good Mormon does like attending church, going to the temple regularly, reading the scriptures daily, magnifying one’s calling, not swearing, not drinking, and all the other things that Mormons are supposed to do, I do all of those things.  And yet, I have had a lot of moments of hurt, confusion, anger, and desolation.  At the risk of yet again being a little too personal, I would like to share just one of those stories.

  

I met Allison while I was getting my master’s at BYU.  We were in the same dinner group and became good friends.  When I graduated from BYU and moved away we kept up a long distance friendship through email and phone calls.  One year after graduating from BYU I moved to Tucson.  On a Sunday afternoon in the fall of 2012 I was talking with Allison on the phone.  She got a little bold and asked, “How come we never dated?”  I replied, “Well, I just never felt that way about you.  It just never felt right.”  That didn’t seem to satisfy her and I sensed that I was going to have to tell her I was gay.  My house had paper thin doors so I left the house and got into my car so my roommate Kevin wouldn’t hear me come out to Allison.  A few minutes later Allison again asked why we hadn’t dated because my answer had been so lame and unsatisfactory.  I told her I was gay and that settled the issue. 

After that conversation I feel like we became even better friends because there was no pressure to date each other.  Allison has relatives in Tucson so when she was in town over winter break we hung out.  Before she visited I wondered if maybe, just maybe, we could date.  Allison was super rad, quite pretty, and really hilarious.  And she seemed to really like me (it’s my salt and pepper hair, for sure).  Who better to marry than her?  But when she was here I felt absolutely no physical connection and I scrapped the idea pretty quickly.  She did, however, meet my roommate Kevin who she later married.  She is way better off being married to him than she ever would have been being married to me.  So not marrying me was kind of Allison’s success story.  Even though I was never attracted to Allison I didn’t give up on dating. 

And then LeAnne came along.  Just like Allison she is pretty, talented, spiritual, and just a wonderful person.  LeAnne and I connected quickly on an emotional level and had many great conversations together.  She quickly became one of my closest friends.  And I could tell she liked me.  Usually having an awesome girl like you is cause for celebration and pats on the back, but it just stressed me out.  One day LeAnne got unusually bold and said that it would be okay if I kissed her.  That freaked me out.  As soon as I said goodbye to LeAnne I called Allison and said, “LeAnne wants me to kiss her!  But I don’t want to!”  She replied, “Just being a man and do it.  It’s not a big deal.”  I whined in reply, “But I can’t!”  Allison convinced me that I should kiss LeAnne the next day.

LeAnne has such great hair

The next afternoon LeAnne and I hung out.  I was nervous the entire morning because I was planning on kissing her later that day.  And I’m not talking normal nervous jitters, I was petrified of kissing this woman who I knew liked me, who was way too pretty for me, and who I had a great emotional connection with.  To calm myself down I pulled out my scriptures and read in 1 Nephi 4 when Nephi says that he shrunk because he didn’t want to do what the Lord had asked him to do.  I empathized with Nephi so much.  I thought that God wanted me to date LeAnne and here I was shrinking from the very simple task of kissing her.  I didn’t want to shrink, I didn’t want to not do something just because I was afraid.  I prayed and prayed for courage to do the right thing and to not shrink, but I just felt more and more nervous.

The moment I saw LeAnne that afternoon all my nervousness suddenly vanished.  It was pretty remarkable.  I had wanted to not feel afraid and in an instant that’s what happened.  As we sat and talked I felt calm and confident.  All my fears were gone.  I had a sudden moment of clarity.  God was not asking me to kiss LeAnne, He was letting me decide what I wanted.  He had given me courage to do it if I wanted to, but the decision to date her or not was my decision to make.  I realized that even though I loved LeAnne, I wasn’t in love with her at all.  She’s very attractive, but I wasn’t attracted to her.  And so, with all my fear gone I decided not to kiss her.  I made the conscious decision, devoid of fear, to just be LeAnne’s friend and all the stress I felt regarding our relationship was gone.

A week later I was back in Tucson.  I moved out of Kevin’s house and into a new house with someone I barely knew and I moved into a new ward.  There was a guy in the ward who I knew previously who I had a huge crush on.  When I got home from church I was thinking about how much I liked this guy and then I thought about how hard I had wanted to like Allison and LeAnne and just couldn't.  Liking girls was such stressful effort, but liking this boy just seemed like so much fun and didn't take any effort at all.  It was one of those moments when I realized that yes, I really am gay.  I'm attracted to men and not women.

In less than a year two women had really liked me and wanted to date me and I'd had no interest in them even though they were ridiculously awesome.  And now I suddenly had a crush on a guy and the fact that I could never date him (or any other guy for that matter) was really frustrating and painful.  I began to wonder if maybe I was doing life all wrong.  I’d been reading a lot of stories about gay Mormons online and listening to a lot of podcast interviews as well.  It seemed like almost every gay Mormon man either married a woman or left the church (and they often ended up doing both things).  I'd spent the last eight years trying to marry a woman and had never really had a serious girlfriend.  Perhaps it was time to date someone I actually wanted to date.  Of course, I could stay single and celibate for the rest of my life, but from the dozens and dozens of stories I’d read and listened to, not one of them was able to do that successfully.  Do you know any older, never married men who are active in the church?  I didn’t know of any and so it seemed like I had two choices.  I’d been making one choice for eight years with no success so I figured it was time to try something new. 

At this point I hadn't missed church once in 11 years and I thought maybe it was time to end the streak and take a break.  Almost no one at church knew me so I wouldn't be missed if I didn't attend.  And after a year of living in Tucson I had very few close Mormon friends.  My family lived far away and they wouldn't even have to know I wasn't going to church.  It seemed like the perfect time to step away because no one would miss me.  So I decided that I wouldn’t leave for good, I’d just take a sabbatical.

Six days after making this decision I was up in Mesa for Kevin and Allison’s wedding.  I walked into the temple thinking that I probably wouldn’t be back for quite a while.  And then something life changing happened to me.  It’s hard to describe very spiritual experiences, but this is more or less what I experienced.  As I watched two of my best friends kneel at an altar and make covenants with each other and with God I got this powerful feeling that this was all real.  The promises they were making and receiving were real.  The priesthood power that was sealing them was real.  The potential to be together forever was real.  The whole restored gospel felt real and palpable and I didn't want to give that up.  The best way to describe the feeling was that it felt like heaven.  I was in a sacred place with people that I loved it felt like home.  I thought to myself, "Whatever happens, I always want to be able to come to this place with these people." 

Allison, Kevin, and I with big smiles on their wedding day

No one at the wedding knew that I'd been considering taking a break from church.  When the sealing was done I was feeling pretty overwhelmed.  Not only was I extremely happy for Kevin and Allison, but I had just been reminded that the path I should choose was the one that would allow me to be in the temple.  So filled with love for my friends and new clarity about life I hugged Kevin and Allison and told them how much I loved them.  It took all the manly testosterone I could muster to keep myself from bursting into weepy mess because I was feeling so much love and peace.  That night I wrote in my journal, "They are forever friends and I love them so much." 

And that's the long story about how I almost left the church and didn't.  And this wasn't the only time.  Just over a year ago I once again contemplated leaving the church, but I'm still here.  The reason I share this story is because I don't want people to get caught up in happy endings.  For example, we're so happy when someone gets married, and then a few years later they get divorced.  We're so happy when someone has a baby, and then they feel stressed and overwhelmed and cry because they don't feel like a good mother.  We're so happy when someone graduates from college, and then they can't find a job.  We're so happy when a man with same-sex attraction serves a faithful mission, and then eight years later he feels "hurt, confused, angry, and desolate." 

We are all far from our happy endings.  Am I a success story?  Of course not.  Because my story is far from over.  I still have a long road ahead of me and so does the young man Elder Holland mentioned.  But what I want everyone to understand is that I try very hard to live the gospel.  I try really hard.  And for the most part I have a very happy life, but that doesn't mean I don't get mad and sad and wish that things were different.  I want all the straight Mormons to know that we gay members who try hard to live the gospel have tough times that we often don't talk about.  Sometimes we leave church and wonder if being bored for three hours on Sunday is worth giving up our sexuality.  Sometimes we wonder where God is and why He has forsaken us.  And sometimes we feel like we've found Him.

I'm in a really good place right now.  The last year has been exceptional and one of the happiest of my life.  But I'm no dummy.  I'm sure that I'll have moments in the future where I get mad and frustrated and just want to leave my religion behind.  But I'm one of the lucky ones.  I'm the lucky one who has so many people who have my back.  Just four weeks ago I had a really tough day and two members of the stake presidency called me to make sure I was okay and then sent me emails expressing their love for me.  I'm one of the lucky ones.  When I told people that I wanted to start a group for gay Mormons in Tucson so that no one with same-sex attraction had to feel alone everyone was on my side and wanted to help (well, almost everyone).  And I trust that the love people have for me isn't conditional to my activity in the church. 

As I was listening to Elder Holland's talk I thought, "This young man has a long road ahead of him, but he's got a mother who loves him no matter what.  That'll make all the difference."  And so, if when you heard the story of this young man completing his mission you felt like it was a success story, I hope you remember that the real success what that this man was loved unconditionally.  And I hope you remember my story.  That even the gay Mormons who want to stay in the church face extremely trying moments that they likely won't tell you about.  You're job is to love us. 

Allow me to end by being overly cheesy.  If you want to know how to help a gay Mormon, just read the words of this Primary song written by Carol Lynn Pearson (who, by the way, has done more for gay Mormons than almost anyone).

If you don't walk as most people do,

Some people walk away from you,

But I won't! I won't!

If you don't talk as most people do,

Some people talk and laugh at you,

But I won't! I won't!

I'll walk with you. I'll talk with you.

That's how I'll show my love for you.

Jesus walked away from none.

He gave his love to ev'ryone.

So I will! I will!

Jesus blessed all he could see,

Then turned and said, "Come, follow me."

And I will! I will!

I will! I will!

I'll walk with you. I'll talk with you. 

That's how I'll show my love for you

I Know General Conference Is True

We Mormons like to use the word know a lot.  We know the Book of Mormon is true.  We know the church is true.  We know that loads of things are true.  I recently had a conversation with some friends about what it means to know truth.  My favorite explanation of how we know that something is true comes from Alma 32:33-36 from the Book of Mormon.  The second half of chapter 32 compares the word of God to a seed that we figuratively plant in our hearts.  After we plant the seed "it swelleth and sprouteth, and beginneth to grow " so we know that it is a good seed.  Verse 34 asks if our knowledge is perfect and Alma answers his own question: "Yea, your knowledge is perfect in that thing..."  The antecedent of "that" is that the seed is good.  Then Alma explains what it is that you know.  He says, "ye know that the word hath swelled your souls, and ye also know that it hath sprouted up, that your understanding doth begin to be enlightened and your mind doth begin to expand."  I love this explanation of knowing truth because it has nothing to do with facts and everything to do with experiences.  To me, Alma is explaining that knowing is experiential.  Can I say that I have a conviction that Jesus died on the cross?  Of course.  But I can say without reservation that I have felt forgiveness when I have repented.  The reality of repentance is knowledge to me because it is something that I have experienced.  And through experiencing the atonement on a personal level I gained a conviction that the Savior really did die for me.

 

Below are three experiences that I have had with General Conference.  I think the phrase "I know General Conference is true" is awkward and imprecise, but I can totally picture someone saying it.  I have had experiences watching General Conference that have swelled my soul, enlightened my understanding, and expanded my mind.  These three experiences and many others make me excited for the talks this coming weekend. 

In 2006 I was doing an internship in Santa Cruz, Bolivia.  It was by far the best experience I had during my time as a BYU undergrad.  I was there working for LDS Employment Resource Services teaching people how to find jobs.  It was awesome.  The mission president's family lived at the top of 12 story high rise and my roommate and I were frequent dinner guests at their house.  The mission president's wife didn't speak Spanish and was happy to have someone to talk to. 

22 year old me in Santa Cruz, Bolivia

During my time in Bolivia I watched the October 2006 General Conference.  The Bolivian members were so excited about it and the chapels had tons of people in them to watch the broadcast, even the Saturday sessions.  This is what I wrote in my journal on Sunday night: "At the close of conference the choir sang 'We Thank Thee Oh God for a Prophet.'  Then the congregation joined in to sing a few verses.  While the congregation sang they showed the 1st Presidency and Quorum of the Twelve.  The Spirit bore witness to me in an unmistakable manner that those men are prophets, seers, and revelators.  What an amazing thing."  I sat in a chapel surrounded by Bolivian Latter-day Saints as we watched the Spanish translations of the talks.  The songs, however, were not translated.  And so, when it came time for the congregation to sing I belted out the words in English while everyone around me sang in Spanish.  I still remember the feeling that enveloped me in that moment and how sure I felt of the truthfulness of the restored gospel.  I talked to some friends after the meeting and one of them said, "Did you feel that when we sang?  Wasn't that amazing?"  I did and it really was amazing.  Whether singing in English or in Spanish, we had the same experience.  That is one of my favorite memories of conference.

President Hinckley passed away in January 2008 while I was a student at BYU and his funeral was on my 24th birthday.  I know how the church works and so when he died I knew that President Monson was the new prophet.  I knew it intellectually and I didn't doubt it.  Two months later we had our first opportunity to sustain Thomas S. Monson as the new prophet in a Solemn Assembly.  I'd never attended a Solemn Assembly before, but I knew that we would be asked to stand up in different groups to sustain the prophet.  I usually watch conference at home, but I wanted to share that experience with other members of the church in a chapel.  Most of my friends thought that was silly idea, but I managed to convince my roommate Chris to go with me to a nearby church.  Apparently everyone thought watching conference at church was lame because there were only five people there besides the two of us.  When the Patriarchs, High Priests, and Elders were asked to stand I stood up by myself in the nearly empty chapel  and raised my hand to the square to sustain him.  Logic and past precedence had told me two months earlier that President Monson was the new prophet, but when I raised my hand to sustain him I felt the Spirit wash over me in a powerful way.  I sat down on the pew amazed by the simple and powerful experience I had just had.  I now had a conviction that came from the Spirit that he was God's prophet.

September 2013 was a rough month for me.  I'd been in Tucson for a year and I'd only come out to one friend here.  I was feeling lonely and fearful about the future.  I just couldn't imagine a happy future for myself as a member of the church and I was seriously considering leaving.  The weeks leading up to General Conference I prayed and prayed and I even fasted an extra time.  I felt like I was coming undone and I just didn't want to be alone anymore.  I wasn't sure what I was going to do going forward, but I had so much hope that something said in a talk would help me know what to do.  And that's exactly what happened. 

Here's part of what I wrote in my journal about that conference: "What I didn't want from conference was a bunch of messages telling me to be patient because I've already been patient for so long, but that's exactly what I got and it's exactly what I needed.  Over and over again the speakers mentioned trusting in the Lord and being patient.  Elder Dube talked about looking back and thinking that we have accomplished so much when really what lies ahead is more important and significant.  I'm guilty of feeling like I've already done a lot, but the truth is that I'm not nearly done.  The feeling I got over and over again is that I'm on the right course and that I'm really doing my best.  The Lord knows that.  And because I'm on the right course I shouldn't worry about who I'm going to marry and when and how because things will work out if I just stay the course.  I have been feeling so exhausted and worried lately as I consider the impossible task before me of getting married, but today I felt love and confidence.  I need not worry because I'm doing my best and all will be well." 

I had felt worn out and lost, but after that General Conference I felt confident and hopeful.  My attitude did a complete 180 in an afternoon.  If I could have looked into my future I would have seen that I had every right to be hopeful because the next few months were awesome.  I was flipping through my journal just now and it's filled with loads of happy memories from those months.  The messages I heard and the Spirit I felt changed my attitude and perspective almost instantly.  It was a marvelous, life changing day.

Twice in Alma 32 we are asked if our knowledge is perfect.  The first time the answer is yes and the second time the answer is no (well, technically the answers are yea and nay).  This really confused me at first.  I recommend taking some time to ponder these verses because I think there is a profound lesson there.  Alma sums up what he's trying to get us to understand in Alma 33:23 when he says, "I desire that ye shall plant this word in your hearts, and as it beginneth to swell even so nourish it by your faith.  And behold, it will become a tree, springing up in you unto everlasting life.  And then my God grant unto you that your burdens may be light through the joy of his Son."  Through personal experience I know that our burdens can be made light through the joy of his Son.  This is true.  

I'm looking forward to General Conference.   I have every reason to look forward to it.  It has been such a positive, spiritual experience for me in the past that I know I can expect it to be an affirming, uplifting experience this time, too.  And I look forward to the experiences that I will have that will teach me truths that will expand my mind, enlighten my understanding, and swell my soul.